Processing, vulnerability and letting emotions out and some steps for taking care of ourselves in despair.

I just listened to a very moving interview with high profile sports person in Australia who hit a brick wall with unresolved emotional issues and had to find a healing through breaking down, breaking through and opening up. In the course of the interview he shared about the support he got from his Mum when his emotions broke through and how ultimately processing and letting his emotions out and allowing himself to become vulnerable was so helpful for him.. It echoed what I was reading today in the chapter on despair in my book on dark emotions.. In the book therapist Miriam Greenspan shares the stories of patients who had to face despair in order to find meaning and towards the end of the chapter she gives outlines steps or a programme that list ways of being with and dealing with depression and/or despair.

So often we tend to run from letting that empty place open up and making friends with what is hidden there but there is another way through which involves opening up to and processing experience while tending our bodies.

Step 1. Learn to tolerate our despair or panic

This involves a practice of being with what may be trying to emerge in despair. Descent into the abyss is often attended with panic, also in our culture we are encouraged to divert, react or run from the abyss but in time we find if we do this it threatens to swallow us. Instead open to the feelings hidden in the midst of the abyss in this way:

Tell yourself : What I am feeling is despair. It is an emotion, not an incurable condition or final destination. I can tolerate this emotional energy and hang it there with it. If I pay attention and let it move, it will move me to a new place.

Step 2. Affirm the value of despair

This may be hard in a culture that hates despair or runs from it but despair or depression often has a message and intention for us from the soul. Tell yourself there is something to be learned through questioning despair. Reading literature from certain traditions which use despair as a spiritual path.. Greenspan recommends the authors Baal Shem Tov, Rabbi Nachman, Elie Wessel, Buddhist writers Pema Chodron and Chogyam Trungpa as well as writers such as St John of the Cross and Sylvia Bretton Perrara.. Perrera’s book Descent to the Goddess helped me to understand the wisdom in the journey of despair and how we can be a companion to our suffering self, or witness in the process of moving through it.

Step 3. Tend to the bodily sensations.

Some of us are rejecting of the bodies aches and pains, being able to sit with sensation in mediation is useful for some, not so much for others. I personally find the practice of Russell Harris helpful, this involves compassionate touching of and tuning into the parts of the body that can hurt such as heart, gut and solar plexus. Use of calming breathing can help, as does a self compassion practice… Use the breath to become aware of where despair may live in your body, showing attention and tenderness, being a loving mother to it while allowing it to speak to you while offering it unconditional presence and attention with often allow emotions hidden in despair to move and emerge.

Aromatherapy, massage, body work and music also help us to care for and attend to despair in the body and offer soothing.

Step 4. Seek the wider context of despair.

Often we may feel isolated in despair but our despair tells a wider story. Maybe we do not feel a sense of community, maybe we are not connecting with others at depth or in a meaningful way, maybe our economic circumstances are causing us pain.. Seen in this context we need to free ourselves from blame that may make our despair worse.

Step 5. The Way of Non Action ; Making a mindful descent

One of the most powerful quotes I heard years ago was from the poet Robert Bly in which he said that in grief we chose to make a descent into our emotion, in depression we refuse the call and so a hand comes up from the Underworld and brings us down….

Mindfulness meditation and self compassion practice give us a way to be with the hurting or despairing self.

Seeking refuge in nature and other sources of beauty can bring softness to our despair.

Talking with despair may give it a voice instead of keeping inner truth or feeling silent.. I have heard some Buddhist teachers refer to this as ‘taking tea with our demons’ instead of running. Greespan calls this practice ‘finding and attending to our spirit,’ If we were hurt as children we acknowledge this. We may choose to ask our despair What is it you want of me? What are you asking of me?

Step 6. The Way of Action

For many of us dealing with depression or despair there comes a time when we get fed up of just sitting in it and instead choose to take action… We start an exercise program that allows us to be in our bodies, we look to changes of diet, we find a creative outlet or channel of expression such as painting, drawing, writing, sculpting, gardening, music or cooking and craft or home making. We seek out a group or create a friendship circle where we can be honest, we could choose to get involved in political or social action to help others suffering or find avenues that give our life a sense of meaning that may be lost or absent.. Taking such action can improve the way we feel deep inside.

Step 7 The Way of Surrender : Transformation.

Surrender is about letting emotional energy flow and then letting it go. We cannot ‘make it happen’, but we can do things that gently encourage this process. Two helpful methods are :

1. Chanting.. Repetition is both soothing and helpful to the art of surrender. You can choose a certain passage, saying psalm or teaching from any spiritual or religious tradition you wish.. You may choose to focus on a word like ‘Shanti’ (Peace), a concept like Love or Calm or even ‘Surrender’. You may like to chant Om which is proven to boost positive neurochemicals and reduce negative ones like cortisol.

Prayer. Some of us may be averse to prayer but there are many cases of scientific studies showing people being prayed for are healed by prayer. Opening to transpersonal sources of healing or supplication such at the Divine Mother or Father, Angels, Archangels or Nature Spirits also causes healing to flow and flood our being.. In my darkest times I felt the Great Mother holding me gently and soothing my pain, I received images of Christ’s body being held in love by the Divine Feminine.. such methods help us to open our hearts and allow feelings to flow and not just be stuck in thought… praying for the healing will of God is more helpful than making specific demands in prayer.. In prayer we seek to open a channel of communication beyond the merely physical.. we open to embrace other dimensions so often honoured and valued by mystics.

Miriam Greenspan recommends the following prayer : I surrender. So be it. Let it Be. We may also pray : Into your hands I surrender my problems and worries. To your healing grace I open my heart. This too shall pass.

(Note : some of the above text is adapted and some copied verbatim from Chapter Six : From Despair to Faith, pp 117 – 164 in the book : Healing Through the Dark Emotions : The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. by Miriam Greenspan (Shambala Publications)