let yourself be

As a child two things happened to me.. I experienced my essence and found it to be apart and alone and then the world met me and wanted to change me into something else. I feel that still happens sometimes, it happened over past days when someone tried to restrict who I am deep inside and how I express myself. I recognised the deep fear of abandonment I had that if I stood up to this person I may lose them and so I had to change.. There I saw it and now I am not going to change just to suit them or stop them feeling uncomfortable and lose myself.

Getting to know its okay to be me has been a journey. I seem to offend people at times.. Like today at the café we went to the waitress didn’t like it that i didn’t want to have to put my name and number on a list due to Covid-19, to me it didn’t make sense and I argued about it.. Anyway there was no unpleasantness, my sister filled in the form for me and that was that… but at the same time she affirmed the way I felt.

In this life we should not need ‘permission’ to be who we are but sometimes that is how we are conditioned.. For me it was conditioning to ‘be nice’, to play small, to not be too loud.. dramatic.. sensitive.. honest and real but what I have discovered lately is that this is who I am and I am not going to apologise for it any more… Slowly I am throwing off the conditions that were put on me being acceptable, and by God am I feeling happier and freer as I do.