Crying through the eclipse

I never usually fall asleep in front of the television but last night I did and woke in a very strange sealike space at around 10.30 pm.. I got myself into bed and it took a while for the waves pulling my body this way and that to subside. I must have fallen asleep for a few hours only to wake at about 1 am with all my thoughts of Scott and the poem I had written about a girl taking refuge in nature as a way of trying to come to terms with and heal her traumatic past and wounded heart. Someone had commented on that poem that I posted that when we are not helped, recognised or responded to as kids we learn to become powerless.

As I write this I cannot but help think of the movie of the The Secret Garden that my mother in law sent my ex husband I a few years after we were married. In it a very feisty young girl Mary comes to the rescue of her cousin, Dillon neglected by an emotionally absent father after his mother’s death..Dillon becomes an invalid locked in a room where no light is allowed to enter and it is Mary who over time who has the hard task of breaking through to Dillon’s father in getting him to be present for his son..(Mary carries the rejected Mars and Solar function in this story – grief has eclipsed the power of the two other characters to move, come together and connect.)

The echoes to my own life are very clear if you reverse the sexes. When my father died I was sent away, so far from my Mum who could not really deal with her own grief, let alone anyone elses. Overseas I went through two more broken relationships which led to two more broken hearts and then in the years back in Sydney before I met my ex husband Jonathan on this day in 1993 I had another very painful relationship with a boy who would not let his mother know he had gotten me pregnant… the pregnancy could not go to term as it ruptured and I had to have a termination and after it,(at the time I was still drinking) I became crazed with grief and went over to his house and his mother must have told him to leave me, because he broke it off in a very painful way after sleeping with me again and telling me I needed psychological help. I never got his support and he lied and made me carry the mantle of ‘sick disturbed one’.

As Venus starts to move behind the Sun right now (Sun today is at 15 Gemini 54 and Venus at 12 Gemini 05 while Mars moves to 16 Pisces 06 squaring them both) it will begin to square my natal Pluto Chiron opposition that affects my Moon. This Moon Chiron Pluto aspect speaks of a mothering and childhood wounding that is generational.. it has made me feel intense fears of abandonment in relationship and has concurred also WITH INTENSE EXPEREINCES OF EMOTIONAL ABANDOMENT IN RELATIONSHIP. I know I have to come to grips with these fears and feelings right now as they are threatening to derail yet another relationship.. I was not able to move through my fears to help Scott this week and at 1 am the eclipse was four hours off and I found myself crying and crying and crying after I read the followers comment about helplessness and not helping.. Scott’s reply to me today sent at 2.35 am said “I feel so helpless and hopeless right now.”

I had such a lovely week this week of people reaching out to connect with me.. I had two lovely days with friends and I felt so loved this week, but I turned my back on Scott during that time and all his pleas fell on death ear.. feel like such a bitch… One part of me could not bear to see how heartless I felt at times with him this week, he has been pleading with me to send money for a phone as well as this last money to help but my own money is running low and this week my brother decided my sister and I will not be allowed any more access to money we are rightfully owed from the inheritance FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS. My sister told me this last night and I just started crying I had another African friend reach out this week for help as his glasses broke and I was not able to even offer any help with those, I hate not being able to help others when I would have more than enough to do so if my brother wasn’t restricting the entire inheritance wash up.

Its good to be able to share about it here. Jasper wouldn’t come out with me this morning so I got a coffee and took it down to the lake with my book on angels by Lorna Byrne and read it watching a man playing with his dog inbetween checking messages on his phone… The segment I was reading was so interesting it was the chapter in which her angels teach her about both poltergiests and The Angel of Death who is actually a protective angel that in some way tries to stop a death happening.. while reading it I could not help but think of the visit by my nephew in which his younger daughter had a seizure and he called the ambulance when my instinct was to let it play out and then Mum fell a short time later and ended up dying about a week later.

If you want to read about the Angel of Death you can do so on pages 85 to 90 of her book Angels in my Hair. I have no doubt that Loran Byrne is the genuine article when it comes to all things angelic.. Angels often manifest as an inner voice and shortly before I met my ex husband Jonathan I was guided to go to a certain place where I ended up meetign him an hour or so later by an inner voice…

On the Venus Pluto side I often fear that love will overpower me, that if I open my heart fully to someone I will lose myself in in some way.. these engulfment fears can dovetail with abandonment fears in many of us, we can learn to understand them and manage them.. I have done a fair bit of reading up on the subject over the past few years and have understood some of us try to maintain a distance (islands) while others are often struggling to stay connected (waves) while others with a solid childhood attachment history don’t have these concerns being lucky enough to have won the attachment lottery with secure attachment.

I may never be able to control my fearful side.. I read up recently on the Pluto inconjunct aspect to personal planets and in it the astrologer Alan Esptien says those of us with it struggle for control in all kinds of ways, pretending we don’t really care may be for many of us a defensive move, that means we fool ourselves our hearts wont be broken if we fail to honestly commit, put our cards on the table or front up.. but even harder is to recognise that on some level we self sabotaged a chance at love we were terrified to risk….