the cup of sorrow and cup of joy :evening reflections.

This time of night sometimes it hits me how hard I struggle at times just to try to manage a life, my home, Jasper, interconnections, write my blog, try to offer something positive and keep exercising… Today when I got pressure put on me from Scott it was all too much and I felt my heart shattering, I am only one human girl and I cannot keep sending help.. I just cannot do it any more….

I kept thinking of Karl who I met over a year ago, how he didn’t want anything from me in terms of financial needs just to be together and of how we went for a lovely walk to the hilltop late at night just to see the city lights, but at that point I was still in the middle of all this #$*& with Scott. I seem doomed to struggle in relationships with more and more pressure put on me to go past limits and the truth is I never felt strong enough to do it in the past but lately its as if my body wont take much more and I am actually feeling the Mars force pull me together along my spine telling me I have to push out and push back and stop sucking up others problems.. this eclipse coming in a few days may signal the end of that pattern that comes out of unresolved lunar issues (its a lunar eclipse in a few days which brings up the past to be let go prior to a new beginning in six months or so.)

No one would believe how much I spin along my spinal axis trying to manage everything since I moved back home in 2001. Since moving back to Canberra in 2011 its got more intense and then meeting Scott and having my energy pulled on to help has led me to the brink of such sadness and anger at times I have almost torn my hair out (literally) while even bleeding from the nose at some of the worst points when that woman lied about him not being real (or told the truth : who the fuck knows.)

I am managing to contain the energy this evening but I feel the Venus/Sun Mars battle intensely at the moment..I feel like I am fighting for my life and I have to commit to having this follow up mammogram and ultra sound in a few weeks and it scares me as I often feel pain around my left armpit close to where the cancer was last time and the lymph nodes were extracted in 2016… I don’t really want to die yet, I have only just began to feel happier and that there is a life outside of all the sorrow I had to bear after Jonathan left and my light got stolen into the dark. I just long to be alive and then feel maybe I will only come to life in another country though I know the truth is that I am alive here most of the time……even if I am crying I am feeling the deep soul reality of something especially at dusk when I play music I love and the deep well of both sorrow and joy opens up.

Discussing things in therapy yesterday with Kat she said that the poet Kahlil Gibrain said that as human beings we drink from two cups : the cup of sorrow and the cup of joy and that times its only through sorrow we can come to know how sweet certain things tasted, even if having to face the loss of them was the necessary and most potent reminder to awaken us to the possibility of joy in the here and now through our grief… not through avoiding it.

I am on the edge of that knife edge at the moment, even when Scott hurts me and it feels like we will break and I will finally say he has to stay to see his deployment out, I realise that would not be the end for me, just the end of one phase.

I have been listening to Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine readings on YouTube lately by Divine Truth Tarot and they really ring true. In the ones I listened to on Saturday and Sunday she said at the moment the Divine Masculine is really sorrowing, exhausted and longing to meet the Divine Feminine but that they are still in the process of working out the last of karma on the karmic wheel of destiny while the Divine Feminine amongst us are coming into our power and strength. She also said that much as our masculine counterparts try to pull on us we have to be careful to keep as detached in love as we can until the time is right and not take on their karmic burdens. I don’t know why this resonates at present but it does, especially when we look a the struggle for the repressed feminine cultures to find a voice and stand up strongly with a powerful voice to challenge the outdated behaviours of the toxic egoic masculine which stole power and exerted power over and through rape, disempowerment, slavery and devaluing the deep feminine……

Tonight I feel in flow despite the challenges and conflicts and nasty words of today where I have been accused of not caring.. I know I care deeply but there is also a necessity for boundaries for empaths.. we have a limit to what we must give and taking on others karmic burdens is something Archangel Michael keeps telling me is not our responsibility…I am not going to feel guilty about caring for myself even if my fears are what is being most deeply triggered right now.