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It’s hard

Some relationships don’t flow..there is no way peace between you even when you try and old ghosts sometimes haunt the edges of sibling relationships. And yet I keep trying with my sister as we are the only family so often able to meet but there is just such a marked difference at times in our choices and expression that at times it feels downright uncomfortable being together. I feel anxious to please, anxious to be seen and so often as if her face is turned away..that said she really showed up for me when I had my tooth taken out in January but the horrible unfeeling way I was treated in childhood and nasty things said after Jonathan left me still burn.. In fact it was her ex husband who comforted me most at that time and showed true empathy which is why I could never side with my sister and mother when they tried to paint him incorrectly at the end of that marriage…And I miss my brother in law a lot to this day.

Therapy today was tough my body hurt reading my past posts and I cried a lot I got very racy after it and rushed around at the supermarket came home and made lunch only to find my cousins son decided to turn up to walk Jasper as he finished his exam early. I then missed a call from someone I really wanted to speak to..But never mind.

I realised yesterday after my walk with my sister I enjoy my solitary walks with Jasper more…The calm sense of connection and peace I feel can get lost concentrating on another human and I ended up spilling my coffee on the way there all.over my sister’s new Mercedes..

When I got home I had a massive anxiety attack and today I therapy a flood of cruel memories of things she did to me as a child just ran through my system along with murderous thoughts…And yet that’s only one part of my feelings…when she contacts me I often feel so thrilled and hopeful..And sometimes forgiveness just floods my mind soul and heart…gosh life is complex. And I did look forward to our walk and lunch yesterday but the reality of it was deeply uncomfortable.

I share here just to express my process. I kmow my sister was brutalized in childhood too and had to be the helper child to Mum to win love..indeed those two shared a love of fashion and the finer things that leave me cold..I love beauty but not necessarily ‘luxury’ items.. give me cosy natural grounded comfort any day.

We are both allowed to be different, but it feels so sad to tap into the deeply loneliness I felt at being so unseen in my family : acknowledging that painful truth is necessary…I was on the outside for so long and didn’t feel I resonated with their values and yet I kept trying. It makes me realise I have to be myself now come what may…I must keep reaching out and looking for those real deep connections that sustain me…got to accept my true feelings more and not deny or reshape them just because they feel uncomfortable, overwhelming or dangerous…

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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17 thoughts on “It’s hard”

    1. Thanks Carol Anne the water company just came to do some work and broke my water pipes… so I have been crying these kind of things distress me lately I seem to have no filters.. why does the world always impinge in such a destructive way.. it hurts so much sometimes.. just had to reach out.. love you lots ❤

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      2. Thanks Carol Anne I have calmed down a little now.. I started crying on the phone with the company representative and he couldn’t cope and said he was referring me to customer care.. just to be able to say that to you helped me a feel calmer.. thanks so much… ❤ ❤ ❤

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      4. Thanks Carol Anne the man is getting it fixed the other guy slipped when he was trying to install the meter..it was all just an accident. just triggered me… hugs and love… hope you are okay too…

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  3. Aw, I can feel you. I don’t have great relations with my mother either. The ups and and down feelings of wanting to be good to my family and leave them all at the same time, deeply troubles me sometimes. I still haven’t figured out what to do until now but I decided of course, to be civil. Am also looking for a good therapist so I can deal with this better. Sending you hugs and I know everything will be alright in the future.

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