Haywire : intense states in trauma

I am going through intense crying spells lately.. On Wednesday we settle on the property my Mum bought for me to move into that I could never make the move to move into while she was alive.. I was just round there pulling out dozens of huge weeds and getting it ready for the new owners while being flooded with thoughts of how dark and overwhelming and in need of maintenance my old property is… I got home and got into a frenzy cleaning up the backyard and then just felt severely discombobulated.. the storm that goes on in my body at such times is so hard to describe, its like I am being held prisoner inside something while struggling to break free while nearly choking… When I came inside crying the pressure in my chest was almost unbearable and I was throwing my body all over the place.. this is what is feels like to feel so so uncontained and to be tying up these loose ends alone.

While writing this I rang my nephew to debrief, who understood how triggering it would be… I am so lucky to have someone in my life who explores their own trauma and is brutally honest… I could share with him some of the murderous feelings I often feel towards certain members of my family and how I sometimes feel overwhelmed by a malevolent negative force…. he goes through the same at times.

In fact this demonic figure was back on the weekend saying how it will severe me from love and relationships for the rest of my life. This was after my sister invited me for a dinner at a late timing that I could not say yes to..I discussed this force and what it says with Katina this morning as it was back in 2005 it first began to dialogue with me, saying how it began to emerge in me from the age of 6….it is not unusual for young children who were unmediated and unsoothed and left with massive overwhelming feelings all alone to have this kind of demonic inner figure that tries to cut them off from relationship and at times may even try to convince them to commit suicide. Robert Firestone talks a lot about it in a book of his I read many years ago called Combatting Destructive Thought Processes. It is what is referred to as ‘the disease’ in the rooms of AA and addiction recovery…and I need to keep a constant surveillance around when it tries to make an appearance.

Writing has helped me tonight and I am back on more solid ground again now… I have been worrying a lot this week about my avoidant attachment but it makes perfect sense to feel unsafe in relationships if you never were in childhood… we are not at fault for struggling as we do even way into adulthood in recovery, getting a genuine handle on deep processes within the unconscious takes so much time… the deeper our woundings, the earlier our developmental arrests or schism and the younger we were when the damage happened will explain why we struggle on the somatic level with triggers that may tap into deeper things, most difficult to articulate or get a handle on with ‘will power’, rooted as they are so powerfully within the personal and family unconscious.