Being unseen and uncontained in your family of origin is a lot like never having or finding a home.. Our mothers task is to calm us as kids but if they can’t? Who then can help us? What if we look to our father and he just laughs and walks away and then punishes us for our real feelings? What if the only sibling we could find any kind of home with got obliterated… and disappeared? Living then just seems to precarious and home is absent, so we are left without a home in our body and we are in the Wasteland, or worse left wandering in a hall of distorting and inverted mirrors.
https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2018/01/23/the-problem-of-the-distorted-mirror/
https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/self-blame-as-a-result-of-not-being-seen/
The deeper psychic reality of our childhood may never be even seen or understood to us until a very, very, very long way down the track.. Dreams help to show us it, as the Self is clever in choosing the soul’s right images.. And I do believe there is a part of our deeper Self that will not be content with Soul murder, there is a part of our soul that can sense a home in somethings, like with animals, in nature, art or music, or poetry maybe because we sense the suffering of other souls or the visions of others souls that remained true and found expression in some way of themselves through these media.
Even though it was a dark time after Dad died and I was forced overseas alone by my Mum it was a gift to be in London.. Every day after my breakfast of bacon and eggs in that stark dormitory like dining room of the YWCA I would head out to the Galleries, to the movies, to the department stores, to the bookshops… I HAD NO ONE.. NO ONE’S HEART TO TURN TO TO FIND A HOME, but I found a home in these other places somehow.. The abject deep lonelieness of those years is with me now.. now that I am finally finding a home in myself and through adequate mirroring in therapy I can see how it was for me then in those dark years as I wandered lost around Europe and the UK and at times I weep for that girl… who longed for so much, endured so much alone, and then went on to blame herself and become so self rejecting and approval seeking. I know I am not alone in this abandonment depression experience, it is something that Pete Walker talks a lot about in his book on Complex PTSD.
The deepest abandonment in the end comes from within the self. From having no true sense of our deepest instincts and feelings, from having inadequate or non existent boundaries and no loving containment, no recognition, no mirroring.. I am just re reading a book on Narcissism and relationships which talks about the longing for fusion and enmeshment that happens when we carry these injuries to the Self into relationship. I have some of it to share I am working on this week, but for now I know that seeking that mirroring in personal romance relationships outside of therapy was so often hopeless…but never the less a learning experience.
Luckily now I have a friend called Deb I am catching up with once a week and we can talk about this kind of stuff, that just doesn’t get a look in in my family relationships with immediate siblings who live on a totally different dimension…undergoing my own psychological separation from the family matrix is taking time and I notice that as Saturn now moves on to conjunct my natal Moon Saturn Mars while squaring Neptune its a theme coming up in all of my relationships. Astrology shows me the dynamics of my psyche and the cycles of its learning and development..
But this concept of home, well it has taken me a time to recognise.. I even wanted to abort my own home over the last two years, I wanted to see it as wrong in some way, too full of ‘stuff’, too ‘messy’, too ‘disordered’ when it is nothing like that when not seen through a distorted lens of my rejecting childhood.. As I look at it today I know it is beautiful and beginning to become a true reflection of my Self. Each and every ‘object’ in it speaks to me of soul or a time in my journey.
It is taking longer for my body to feel like home… for me to feel embodied.. One nasty result of trauma is that it makes the body feel unsafe, only lately am I starting to be able to bear and hold my many body symptoms and stored up emotions and vibrational charges..separating out my body from the family body and unconscious is taking time and nature helps for here in nature and my dogs eyes is often the most real home of any I have ever known.. Don’t know if this makes sense to you… but to me it makes perfect sense.
I can now look back to that younger Self and see how she struggled… I know each step of the lonely path way, I remember so many things, fragments of memory often make their way to the surface of my mind upon waking… I know too that now I am beginning to have a kind of home that I never had before, one that lives deep inside and often in the hearts of others I know I can trust not to violate me… now that I am beginning to finally know, understand and accept all of my past.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
This is, how, most of us, were, raised, out parents, they never had good parents, to teach them how, to be parents, to us, and, we also, pass, this vicious cycle, down, to our, own next, generations, if we’re not, aware, of this enough, and, sadly, most of us, just, like, our own, parents, are not, aware, enough one bit…
LikeLiked by 1 person
True.. I even see my own patterns with my dog that are based on the way my parents treated me… it can take a long time to understand it all….
LikeLike