My heart is sore and hurting today

My heart is sore and hurting today, someone disappointed me so deeply, someone I opened my heart too and trusted, I feel shattered today.. I don’t seem to have any intellectual defences left and that was all I got, in the end from that person : intellectual arguments and philosophy, which has cast into stark reality the truth that they really lack depth and I cannot deny that truth to myself any more.. I invested so much in this relationship only to find its not really real, so as sad as I am (and that I opened myself up for yet another round of hurt) as least I am facing the truth but my heart feels scoured out….really so so sore today.. Then the gardener turned up and he wont engage which is fair enough, I guess, he is here to just do a job but its getting to the stage that I am dreading him coming too…there just does not seem to be much comfort with the hearts of humans right now.

It makes me wonder if all of this social distancing we are seeing is not just an outward manifestation of how distant from genuine depth relating beyond surfaces we truly are in our culture.. I see and hear so many souls crying out on the internet, people on the end of harsh dismissive unempathic treatment from families on the back of losing parents, people struggling to heal the schism between who they are deep inside and the work they are doing in the outer world, then there are those finding their home and truth and deep voice in nature and poetry or just in recognising their own deep sensitivity or empathic natures and how these can be so often bruised in a far from gentle hyperrational materialist world..

Counterbalancing all of this heart pain (that is becoming more and moer conscious) is this is the pleasure I am feeling in just doing common daily tasks like washing, cooking and even ironing.. Lately I am finding I feel better when grounded in my body in some activity that notices and enhances creativity or beauty in my life.. I got great pleasure the other day just going out and choosing some new floral pillow cases for my bed, a beautiful patterned hand towel with leaves on it and a green jumper.. I know these might seem like material objects but to me each material thing I choose to surround myself with also has an element of soul to it and in some way becomes an expression of self. Paradoxically, at the same time I know that who we are deep inside our own most authentic spiritual truth is also, in a way, beyond objects and sometimes it can feel as if the things we surround ourselves with in some way tie us down…I sometimes feel that way and that is when I just long to be in the open beauty of nature, far from man made things in a place I can find repose for my soul, most especially at those times when my heart has been so deeply hurt by the ignorance of others.

Lately I just need to keep reminding myself of my sensitivity as well as the degree of hurt I have gone through in life, most often from making poor or crazy choices based on pain or the desire to run so far away from my own heartbreak. Being ‘instinct injured’ sure makes life tough a lot of the time… We lack the skills and so often search in the wrong place for soothing, comfort or validation.. Early wounds and deficits as well as our deep psychic injuries leave us vulnerable and without an inner foundation that we can draw upon to gain sustenance…there is no point in beating ourselves up for the things that affected us and that we cannot change…all we can do is try to take care of ourselves as best we can and look for the pockets of pleasure in the painful aftermath of our heartbreak.