All in this together

I find many of the posts written by Benny K of The Written Addiction very moving.. His latest is really about the subject familiar to many in recovery of ‘self will run riot.?’

https://thewrittenaddiction.com/2020/04/06/voices-from-the-fallen-the-know-it-all-dilemma/

It really got me thinking about maturity and humility.. Sometimes we like to believe we have the answers for questions when really we only know what has worked or not worked for us, this is the basis of a lot of 12 step recovery in that we don’t preach we simply share what has worked for us, our experience, strength and hope and possibly our mistakes as well.. I certainly noticed my own past (and even present) willful rebellious self in some of what Benny writes about in his post.. I like to think along the way in my recovery I have began to face and understand instead of hide from my vulnerabilities and insecurities and become more aware of my emotions as well as some of the behaviours generated by my own wounds, the most painful one which was so often my fear of abandonment.. I don’t believe I am as driven by it any more.. I know my strengths and good qualities more now that I no longer allow my vulnerable side to be negated and I can sit with that wounded child part and be there for it, without her having to act out as much any more…

Sadly, in the world I grew up in toughness, bravdo and ‘front’ was what was honoured…not gentleness and I do believe there is strength in gentleness when it comes out of a grounded knowing of our true selves and all the ways in which we can be both strong and weak. My own mother hid a lot of her own insecurities under scary behaviour and she once told me “each of my children carry a part of me, you carry all of my insecurity.”

As a kid I didn’t like going to school, I was bit of a loner and a trifle insecure but my friend from high school thought highly of me and saw I had a funny side that sadly got lost as the multiple traumas that befell me and my family from the age of 17 began to exert a powerful hold. I lost a foundation in many ways from that age onwards to the point that after my sister’s aneurysm and my brother in laws abandonment of her and then my fathers abrupt death in 1985 I was flung out into the wilderness both overseas and then in Sydney where happily shortly after meeting my ex husband I finally got sober and started the long journey to find me and grow in self knowledge and maturity.. Along the way I like to think though that I haven’t lost my connection to my inner child who can gaze in wonder on the good things in the world and sometimes struggles to make sense of the tough stuff…

I look back now with the painful clarity of hindsight born of much personal suffering and feel that I have done far better than I so often give myself credit for.. Along the way I did make mistakes though and there are things I would have changed, but must now accept. At the moment I am fairly at peace after beginning to come to terms with this time of isolation, a friend of mine who must have read that I was struggling recently and got sober around the same time in Sydney sent me something today which said that those of us in recovery are used to isolation, we are used to turning to a higher power, and we are used to having to make the best of tough situations, so in this time of collective distancing we are well based to cope. That said my heart goes out to those still drinking and seeking recovery because now that face to face 12 step meetings are no longer an option, its going to be tougher to get sober.

I am going to check out some Zoom recovery online today.. I just lately felt I long for that connection back and to give something to those reaching out..Recovery has began to give me a maturity I lacked and an insight in to things.. I see the times my weakness makes me buy into anxiety and fear based thinking more lately and I feel a growing adult self that wants to take the fearful child in me by the hand, to support and en-courage her… I was moved to tears by the support and love shown to me recently.. I am actually meeting a friend today from my old dog park days for a catch up as she offered this to me via Facebook when I was struggling..

These kinds of gifts given for free show me a higher power works best through connections with others as well as being open and vulnerable.. Nature and my dog Jasper are still by go tos for comfort.. but its in the reaching out that I find my heart most fills with love… A shrunken disconnected space of self pity never gives me as much as I gain when I open my heart and suffering to join with the heart and soul and mind of another recognising everyone goes through the tough stuff. We truly are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.