Be with it

Just a thought.. Could the Corona Virus be forcing us inwards to be with ourselves more instead of running away?. I am in a peaceful place right now but the morning was hard.. we had the auction for the property Mum bought a few months before her death in 2017. We were happy to take a lower price and grateful for a buyer in the current skittish climate but it was sad never the less. I cried at the end of it and tried to give the agent a hug of appreciation (yes, possibly stupid and too damn personal but that is me) and she pulled away which made me sadder, but she didn’t do anything wrong, this grief is mine, these tears are mine. Walked out into the yard and hugged a tree instead……I realised lately that I can not change who I am and how I feel and quiet frankly lately if others don’t get it or judge me for being too emotional its all understandable and fine. Never the less social distancing is triggering so much darned sadness for me.

I just wish we were a culture that accepted grief has a place and that we did not have to run from how we feel and always be diverting ourselves from the inner dive…I find peace when I dive down deeply and just allow myself to embrace myself where I am at.. I loved the lines in the poem by the Irish poet Padraigh O Tuama in which he said there is a self that witnesses your own self’s journey and I believe that self is the one that can comfort and contain us in our grief and pain because quite frankly most other human beings in my experience seem to fail miserably in this task.

Anyway this afternoon its peaceful after the storm of coming home and seeing how much easier the other place would have been to live in, less things getting run down, more time to relax, but the place is sold now and that is good.. I can always move in time and find another smaller place, my disaster mind doesn’t have to have the last word this afternoon.. Am counting my blessings today.. having dinner with a friend tonight since the movie we were going to see in the French Film Festival has been cancelled…..had a lovely chat with another friend who has been helping random homeless people and infirm around her with gifts and tasks.. just love the people I have in my life right now.. am very very grateful but also grateful I can accept that sometimes I am sad.. I just am.. sometimes I cry a lot… I just do.., that is me I don’t want to change myself any more… all feelings pass in time and then come back, in and out they flow, just like the tide.. life is an ocean really, always breathing always moving, at least if we don’t dam it up and when we open to the breath then we open to life.