Be in life

I had the thought this morning that people retreating due to Corona Virus is a bit like a stress reaction in trauma…due to the fear and hurt and pain we don’t want to open up or take the risk of engaging.. Yesterday the new buyer would not even shake my hand at the auction and last night my friend would not give me a hug, just in case I infected her..I am sorry but this is not the way I can live.. I have to be in life now and I have to be in touch and that does not mean I don’t introvert and go deeply within myself either, but its all about the primary motivation, fear or love?

I have a wonderful friend who I admire so deeply, she was a single Mum, had her three daughters in her early 20s trained in journalism and eventually became a speech writer in the Department of Prime Minister and cabinet, she is not in that field any more but we talk often and a while back, after we had one of our many long discussion she said this to me. “Deb I think there is a time when the world is going to force us to make a decision between fear and love, as to which one we place our faith in and is stronger.” I truly believe that.

I myself am reaching out to trust in life again, knowing if I get the rejections or knock backs I am a big enough adult to take it.. my inner child may cry a lot of tears when that old distance or emotional unavailability wound is triggered but now I can go to other places for comfort, like my dog or nature, or my therapist though I was saddened on Thursday to be told that even she may be put under pressure to work remotely soon.. WTF? Well then, after that reaction I just think, if that is what is going to happen maybe its necessary and for a purpose. maybe I just can cope without therapy now.

Maybe with Saturn’s ingress into Aquarius, the sign of friendship and connection we are being limited in this way and its triggering my own Saturn wound as I have it placed with the Moon and Mars between 1 and 6 degrees of that sign, so at my Saturn return this social distancing thing hits my core wound, that of feeling distant from those who were distant from me emotionally for my younger life, never reading me or connecting to me emotionally… It was stirred up again yesterday and today I sat with my inner child and had a good talk to her about it.. I let her unload all of her distress and reassured her she is not alone, as long as I can see and feel and know her deeply.. That said the world often fails to meet us in the needful place and it is only us who can recognise the pain that causes us and take actions to stay loving in the face of it and accepting too of the reality….

Sometimes I see my anger was not always useful, sure it served a purpose to show me what hurt or what I did not want or need or where there was an emotional disconnect, but at times getting angry over certain things only ended up hurting me and distancing those I needed love from.. Often sadly they could not see the need or hurt hidden under the anger or frustration. Now I know that the true friends were the ones who did understand and my therapist who helped me to see what purpose the anger served.. I just had to turn the expression of it around in some way.

Today I feel like I have risen to a new world, have a sense the Mars Pluto conjunction swelled in maximum power yesterday.. yes, it is soon to meet Saturn but I know that energy of restriction and frustration and forced inward turning only too well, so may be in some way I feel at home in it.

Heading out soon to be in life with my sister and a family friend.. the sun is out and Jasper is snoozing quietly beside me.. I have love in my life and heart today for that I am so so grateful.