Taking on too much : some reflections on problems with historical anger and boundaries

I may have been doing it all of my life.. extending out wishing and hoping for something while scattering my energies far and wide.. Today I feel it would have been wiser to down size and draw my energy inwards as I look around at all of the maintenance jobs to be done in this older style house and yesterday, after investing 11,000 dollars in a Solar System in December I got a large electricity bill delivered.. I don’t know what is happening and my brother advised me not to go sinking any more money into this house. If I was with a partner it would be sustainable but today it just seems I have made all of the wrong decisions. Never the less I am not going to just sit down and cry and be powerless, we have already been out for a good long walk in the bush by the lake and I have therapy soon, have just been in the garden watering things that need it..and I just got a call from the solar company to say that a representative from the electricity company had turned up to alter the meter but he went away and didn’t bother to contact me again.. as a result my power was never switched over.

I think in the meeting yesterday a lot of the resentment that came up towards the agency owner was historical, all of Dad’s energy went into business and all of my siblings as well, I was a different child who loved dancing, reading, social justice and the arts but when I came unstuck after my accident in 1979 and got no follow up counselling and them my sister crashed and burned I was thrown about like a yo yo. I started teaching while still on crutches and with missing front teeth, with a temporary replacement plate that I lost after a drinking binge down the loo… I was trying to attend classes but got mixed up with a person who did drugs and then, when Judy crashed I just wanted to be away so I left to study social work up north, but got mixed up with another guy into drugs and then came home pleading with Dad to go back to the college to complete my teaching and that is when I was read the riot act.. secretarial college or nothing..

I ended up sharing with some army guys and working two jobs after I graduated. I met another guy into drugs and we planned an overseas holiday but Dad got ill and he broke it off, it was then Mum forced me overseas and my addiction was in full swing.. I got some good temporary jobs but I was so lonely deep down inside, when I got back to ‘Australia in 1987 and there was no place for me at home with family I went to Sydney and my godparents took me in for a time… I wish I had stayed in that stability but part of me wanted the missing life and so I was into a share house while holding down a high level personal assistant job in the political field and my emotional relational life was a disaster, I fell pregnant to a guy still bonded to his mother who thought premarital sex was evil and he broke it off shortly after the necessary termination due to a rupture corpus luteum.. taking the baby to term was dangerous. My sister had to talk my mother into coming up to Sydney to support me.. My God parents took me back in while I looked for a place to buy, my ex reeled me back in for a time before dumping me again and then my addiction worsened over the next 2 and half years until I finally met my husband and finally due to the grace of God got sober in December 1993.

What a God awful mess of a life.. I am crying writing this… as I was crying with my sister yesterday… the agent going on and on about himself was such a reminder of my parents narcissistic self involvement, no wonder I felt the fury building deep inside of my yesterday, at one point I wanted to smack the guy across the head but the angels and God kept me calm and safe…

My sister told me yesterday she is happy to finalise the cemetery arrangements.. .I loved my parents but they gave me fuck all in terms of emotional holding and support and who knows if I didn’t play a big part in it all by turning to drugs.. The latest retrograde in Pisces and Aquarius of Mercury has hit a lot of my lunar hot spot.. I think it moved off the opposition to Uranus, planet of estrangement, isolation and separation late this week and will move onto my Chiron in Pisces in the seventh house over the next few weeks..

That agent also forced a higher bid on this place I didn’t want to make but was also pushed into by Mum.. this house is lovely but it always felt a bit much, that said I know Mum was trying in her way to help me and I am an adult but I was still, at that stage, back in 2011 coming out of a lot of the emotional abuse trauma of the last relationship and its taken all of these years in therapy to see the part I played in attracting that. Its not all on him but on me too. I was not yet a fully mature adult in charge of and aware of my wounds…

I see how vulnerable I have been all of this time and how I have not at times taken necessary steps to separate financially but according to my therapist I needed all of this support to make up for what I missed out on during the years 1979 to 2011. Things had to fall apart because I couldn’t hold them together.. that is the truth. this is the real me I bare to others in my blog.. owning my weaknesses, blind spots, vulnerabilities and strengths.

Will be so grateful to have therapy this afternoon….am working so hard to keep on top of all of my responsibilities while staying connected to the family who are real and showing me love…am working so hard not to shame and blame myself, have had to let certain connections drop this week while picking up new ones that seem more positive and nurturing… as it is and you all know my far from perfect and messy life is very much a work in progress, each day I front up to face more and am getting better at holding and recognising the roots of my painful, angry feelings.. Anger IS NOT ONE OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS unless it is not made conscious and we act out our pain on other undeserving people.. I understand that now… the roots of frustration and anger need to be understood as well as what we are asked to carry often without understanding.. But acting in a more mature and grounded, realistic way is very important too, just possibly these are my Mars Saturn Pluto lessons right now….the storm I often feel has to do with my past and as its carrier I have to work my very best to contain it while taking necessary steps each day to move forward and become more of an adult.

But then sometimes I just want to let it all go and just go out to an open field by the ocean and dance like the innocent child I once was who loved nothing more than to feel the breeze dance through my long hair… without a connection to that little one I am well and truly lost too.