In trouble

Jasper and I got in trouble a while ago because I was walking him in an area off lead and a bitchy older woman tried to shoo him off the path, he wasn’t even affecting their walk and I was in the midst of a bit of a cry fest over Chahir.. Sometimes it sucks being sensitive.. When she told me he needed to be on a lead I asked why.. “Because it’s the rules.” she said. True but I don’t follow them all the time with keeping him on the lead because I like him to have his freedom. I then gave her a bit of a serve in an not unpleasant way, not proud of it but am feeling under the weather today and I haven’t eaten due to the connection conflict with Chahir.. My emotions have not been so all over the place in a while, finding it hard to eat again… I felt like I was having a heart attack earlier….

Maybe every single relationship I try to have will detonate…. Why do I get stuck with all the blame?.. I am doing my best.. I get so tired of things seeming to come together only to see them all fall apart. That said so much is going on inside my head and probably not all of it is realistic. Chahir goes silent when he is upset while I blather on with reasons and explanations. I just feel I have to work so hard to keep love…. Him being one of my primary emotional connections and being so remote makes things harder… anyway all of this will probably pass in time. Maybe I will lose him, it’s out of my control, I just wondered today how much of my reactions come out of self centred fear, that said with communications via text you cannot catch the nuances.. Maybe I should just give all of these remote connections up but this place I live is so conservative that at times I just long for something different. Really I m just running away with it all right now, better go eat and get my marketing done.. just hate having this unsteady pain in my heart after a time that so much seemed to be coming together.