The author of your own life : my struggles with developing a sense of agency

The thought of having a degree of authorship or control over our life, preferences, desires and choices came to me a moment ago contemplating the progression of the planet Mars into the sign of Capricorn a short while ago. In astrology we have a sun sign placement which refers to our sense of self and a Mars sign placement which rules desire or how free we feel to go after what we want and need in life. Mars ideally serves the Sun and helps us fight and go after what our true or real self needs. However a lot gets modelled in childhood and plays out in this regard as to how well we were responded to and how much support parents gave us to express and unfold, also what dynamics we saw mirrored by our parents and in their relationship.

For myself with Sun square to Neptune my sense of self was often weak, as a small child no one much was looking to what I needed so I learned to look to others and try to gear myself around them and often got erased, as Neptune is nebulous and can relate to being osmotic or absorbent of emotional or collective energies around us held in the unconsciouse. Interesting that Mercury, planet of perception, sense making and communications is also moving retrograde or backward as Mars goes though Capricorn at the moment, and Mars in that sign involves finding a a sense of agency, inner power and control over what is most authentic and real inside of you.

I also have what is called a ‘debilitated’ Mars energy.. Along with the Moon Saturn sign of restrictions, duty and repression sits smack bang on it.. Mum had Mars in Pisces so she often was confused in her expression but often she also barrelled through and she and Dad seldom had overt conflicts, there was a lot of silent treatment going on when things got tough between them when I was young. My second sister picks this up with the Sun and Venus in Pisces on those same degrees as Mum’s Mars while her Mars is at the exact same degree as my Dad’s 4 Sagittarius (Mum and Dad’s Mars where square or in conflict but they got on if my father chose to laugh Mums’ whirlwinds off and often he negated her when she got hurt or injured.)

Pisces is ruled by Neptune and I was also thinking also a lot about the collapse or fawn defence that Complex PTSD therapist Pete Walker addresses in his book on the subject. When we cannot fight or take flight as a child from abuse some of us will go weak or collapse or alternatively we will ‘fawn’ and roll over or try to appease by being extra compliant but we may then bury our pent up Mars assertive energy deep inside and become passive aggressive in order to survive. I was thinking that maybe with Mercury retrograde in Pisces while Mars is in Capricorn many of us may be getting insights into how we reacted when thwarted… or it may just be me and I am projecting this. Never the less I thought it was worth a post.

The issue of dependency also came up in therapy today, I was crying over how difficult it was and is for me to feel I can depend on anyone. When Scott came into my life offering me support I was willing to pay any price for it, at the time my family were emotionally and physically AWOL. My sister is now back up and fighting but often I feel a bit pulled around still, she has Mars square her Sun and often she has overpowered me. (and wounded me as my Chiron is at 4 Pisces and squared by her Mars.. when she gets into bossy mode it sends me a bit ballistic!), the latest struggle with losing control over my share of the coast house that my Mum left to both of us has been biting me. I am on the outer as her side of the family seem to have certain desires about what to do with it and I may just have to roll over on it because I don’t have the backing at all but it makes me feel angry deep down inside. I can chose to let that anger go though. In the end if I am outnumbered it may be better to just let it go and only use it from time to time or find myself another location, say a caravan at a beach side caravan park.

Getting to know what I like and need and getting to feel I have the right to ask for it and go after it has been difficult with the childhood I had. Feeling I have a right to depend has also been tough. Being on the outer in a family due to temperamental differences is not easy but its better not to struggle too hard to fit in where I don’t belong. That said I will try to compromise at times in order to stay connected because I sometimes really enjoy their company, its just hard to honestly enjoy it when they erase me, as so often happens unwittingly….. I just don’t figure in that more masculine dominated world, but at the same time I have a quiet power and depth of understanding they do not always show.