Sitting with my pain, and some reflections on attachment trauma

I made it through last night’s dinner for my nephew’s 40th birthday. It was lovely to connect to both boys but the night was at a very upmarket restaurant and very long winded with canapes plus 5 small courses, so we didn’t eat desert until 11 pm and each course was accompanied with a different wine as well as a long lecture by the chef on tastes and notes and other culinary stuff that quiet frankly leaves me cold, since I am in recovery. It doesn’t bother me when others drink at first but as the night went on I saw a lot of slurring in my sister, she is on meds so I am not sure of the wisdom of drinking so much but its her life and her choice. I also find as people drink more its harder to connect with them.

It took a long time to get to sleep after getting home around 12.45, myself and my sister’s three friends were left standing around outside in the cold for 40 or so minutes as her two sets of children and partners left and my sister left with her younger son and his partner in two Ubers. My sister told me not to drive but share a taxi there with them as it would be difficult to park. It meant I could not leave earlier and I should have listened to myself and driven but it wasn’t a major drama, just yet another lesson on boundaries and trusting my instincts. The others made a fast get away but we were left hanging around waiting for a taxi that failed to show and the irony was not lost on me as the night was all geared around my sister and her desires really.. That said I had some moments of genuine connection during the night and I am grateful for that. It was also good to see my sister in some form of control after such a long time of being almost completely immobilised by anxiety and depression.

Today however a lot of inner pain came up deep inside me for what I have lost due to family alcoholism and unresolved adult child issues. I just hugged myself last night and told my inner child I love her and she is growing as fast as she can…I shared some trauma with one of my sister’s friends and he was supportive to a point but I could feel he may have got a bit overwhelmed when it came to sharing how painful it was to watch my older sister abandoned and attempt suicide, but at least I could share honestly and we also shared about grief and I realised we are not alone when we grieve if we open up and reach out, so many others lose parents and loved ones, however not all losses are complicated due to the fact a parent was neglectful emotionally, as much as they tried to put things right later in life.

I have been re-reading some thorough notes I made in 2009 on attachment trauma, they make very interesting reading. I found this interesting. Those who develop secure attachment have a positive view of both self and others, those who suffer a dismissive parental attachment tend to become avoidant and have a positive view of self but negative view of others, those who suffered due to a pre-occupied parent tend to become resistant to attachment and bonding, they have a negative view of self and a positive view of others. Those who suffer from a fearful, frightening, anxiety ridden or disorganised attachment go on to develop a negative view of both self and others. I identify with the disorganised and resistant styles and it seems the fourth style tends to leave many of us in such an isolated, haunted and lonely space. These kinds of attachment wounds require intense therapy with a therapist who will not re-abandon us and lots of honest self evaluation.

In therapy with disordered attachment or high level emotional abandonment, we will have to work extra hard not to become resistant when failures or ruptures occur as they naturally will in the course of therapy. If we suffer from the final three styles we require a securely attached person (as a therapist, friend or partner) who will be patient with us, while we never the less have to work to heal ourselves ultimately… to be shamed for an attachment style or bonding injury we had no power over creating is deeply painful and may even lead to suicide or suicidal ideation.

I am grateful to be more aware now of how intimately addiction and attachment traumas are linked and to no longer suffer as much from self blame as I did… trauma happens implicitly when we have a parent who causes great anxiety and avoidance within our young bodies and beings, John Bradshaw in his book on the inner child, Homecoming : Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, explains how ego defences work to block off the connection between our emotional and rational brains, so information doesn’t get translated well. As Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in his book, our bodies keep the score in this situation and old pain can be retriggered very easily, opening us up to a fevered emotional roller coaster ride in relationships. Such attachment traumas or wounds of emotional distancing and neglect leave a powerful legacy that can continue to dog us well into adulthood and may even lead to accidents as we struggle to contain the pent up frustration, anger or charge that is left from and through traumatic bonding. Only the foundation of secure attachments enable us to feel safe later in life and the cost of feeling unsafe is anxiety and depression, as well as a deep ambivalence to being fully open, alive and connected. We must also work hard to make the necessary mental connections between present behaviour and past experience as so often in the acting out of earlier traumatic bonds we either attract more trauma or project past issues onto present partners who may actually care for and love us.