Thankful for love : afternoon reflections

I thank God for the love, witnessing and understanding shown to me by Kat in therapy. She was really upset at how (in her words) my happiness and joy got killed off earlier in the week but she was proud I didn’t let it take me ‘back into my cave’, instead I opened my heart to be with family, because none of us is perfect and how can those in my family really ever know the depth of my journey?

I feel so complete and peaceful after these Thursday sessions, I come home and feel so close to my father, I got to feel today how painful it was Dad never got to fully experience the fruit of all of his labours and hard work to build a secure future for his family…. he died before he got to enjoy a lot of it and I have suffered from his loss, as well as from his inability to be there in the way I needed and yet my heart is full of forgiveness and compassion now, in a more full way for having been able to have my anger and tears. I had a lovely chat with my sister today about our past and was saying how I believe when Jesus said we needed to be reborn through water and fire to be our authentic self he meant we have to feel the full brunt of what we have suffered or what was taken. I am a firm believer that his death on the cross is symbolic of full incarnation of our spirit into matter : a psychological and soul journey whereby we undergo trials and must burn through to our spirit.

It was in Glastonbury I experienced ongoing visions of Christ held after his crucifixion by the three Marys, especially at the Chalice Wells Gardens where it is claimed Joseph of Arimetha took his blood in a chalice. It was a real thing to me after my marriage ended, I went into the dark of both the personal and collective unconscious. And Christ did come back to life.. its only lately the reality of that is dawning upon me. I have gone through so much being put to death in relationships and as a person that it has been a feat of courage at times to keep fronting up to express my full self, warts and all and to bring myself to birth.

I find lately I am shedding so much of the unearned guilt I carried, I am coming to embrace my ancestral inheritance in a way I could not before and I am gaining insights that make of my life and the lives of my family members a greater meaning. I don’t even have to declare this knowing as much any more, its enough that I know things within my own heart and mind and soul and trust that.

I feel my trip to the coast with my sister in two days time will be an important one. I am no longer as full of fear. Its right that we go just the two of us to have this healing time and I told her today of the dream I had many years ago where we were walking the beach and right in front of us a whale breeched as my sister looked into my eyes saying ‘the whales are such sad creatures’ what a powerful metaphor for ancestral grief. I am also hoping for times of joy and celebration too. I count my sister as a hero to have come through all she has in her own life. I know how hard she has had to fight to overcome negativity and her own battles with mental illness, its a lovely thing we can talk about anything these days and feel safe, though at times I get fearful too.

There is so much to celebrate in my life right now. I am very blessed to have love in my life and the support of family, even the ones who don’t want to be connected I bless and send love to, I truly understand the pain that leads someone to lash out. I love the words of the Al Anon closing “let there be no gossip or criticism but let the understanding peace and love of the fellowship grow in our hearts.” Sometimes its hard to understand what is motiving others, but we should always try to dig deeper. To me this speaks of Christ consciousness phrased in one of Jesus’ final cries from the cross “forgive them father for they know not what they do.” We all go blind at times to deeper realities and we all make mistakes, we all have limits and foibles, but love is the understanding that is miracle minded and sees rather than guilt, a degree of innocence, even if it comes out of deep unconsciousness. That said some who want to put the light to death are not living for love and the ability to kill someone off at a soul level is very real and so on the path of healing we do need to be “cunning as serpents and wise as doves”, constantly awake and in tune with what is attracting or repelling the healing light of love and spiritual connection in our lives, in a fully embodied way.