Straightjacketed and silenced.

I felt killed off yesterday having to take down a blog post. I was expressing my heart and perceptions and to be told it was wrong and inappropriately affecting certain members of my family upset me. I took it down and felt real suicidal depression as a result. I took to the bed and just cried to the depths of my heart, yesterday afternoon. I cancelled out of birthday lunch and my sister tried to call three times. I called her back at 8 pm to say I will go but I had to share honestly how nasty things she has said and done to me over years affected me so deeply. At one point during a drinking session with two sets of nephews she told them I was jealous of her. One of my nephews told me and then she tried to blame him. She apologised for this and other incidents and said she was disappointed about lunch, so I have decided to go.

I mentioned in that blog about her son having a wooden spoon broken on him and about OCD in my family, I mentioned about shared sadness and fear I saw carried only to be silenced again. Part of me accepts it, part of me feels ropable about it. I understand his love for his children and desire to protect them but to be silenced has repercussions for my heart, mind, soul and body. When I love I love truly and deeply, but so often it seems in order to keep connection I have to sacrifice myself and to be killed off hurts. I kill myself off enough anyway. I told my sister yesterday that she has no idea how I struggle to live and breathe as my true self every day inside a defended society.

In the blog post I took down yesterday I shared about Michael Singers perception that closing down our heart blocks true feeling and love, it leads to contraction and spasm and is, I believe the emotional root of later neuorological spastic conditions such as Parkinsons. Keeping open is the only way forward to true spiritual and emotional growth, at least as I see it his perceptions ring so true.

I used my breath today to sense my inner child and true self’s struggle and feelings. I had to meet the home stylist the agent recommended to get the unit I inherited ready for sale on the market early this morning. When I got there the cool clean perfection of the place made me feel I would be better living there, away from the messy, cluttered, heaviness of my old house where all I do is seem to focus on sadness and the past, but isn’t that just another form of killing my deeper, truer self off?

I then went to the dog park with Jasper then and let the breeze waft over me and let the fresh air and sunshine do its healing magic. I am trying to find my way to emotional truth in the aftermath of trying to untangle such a complex multi generational legacy. And today is my 58th birthday so its probably all on cue.

But what I have learned is this, trying to be my true self often feels like walking across a mine field and the forces of repression around me have been powerful, are growing even more powerful in our country and world. Ultimately is a Saturn versus Pluto and Uranus territory, our fear of death and chaos or messy human, dark emotions, is so deep rooted but death and chaos actually are actually deep, rich, regenerative places that bring new birth and holding the tension of the opposites and polarities and engaging with the paradoxes at work all around us while new more deeply embodied insights are reached, often through resistance, pain and suffering is not easy work. It takes all our perceptual insight, deep emotional work and stamina to chart a course across these tumultuous waters. It truly is an epic journey.

Anyway for what it is worth these were just my reactions after yesterday. I respect someone’s desire for certain boundaries. I must focus on my own life now, in terms of moving forward, that is the guidance I got after posting this and struggling to process the different layers of the conflict.