So blessed!

Love and tolerance and dose of gratitude and appreciation goes a long way to bringing light in. I am glad I didn’t let my hurt feelings stand in the way of a lovely birthday lunch, we had a drive to a small town about 30 kms from home for my birthday and I was anxious at the start and through some of the meal, but luckily I got to talk to my Mum’s old friend about how things had affected me and have a good laugh about it all. She also opened up about how her father had terrorised her as a child after coming home from the war in India. This is the lady who was dismissive to me at time for being ‘too emotional’ and on the way home she owned in an indirect way her lack of sensitivity.

My sister also opened up to me about her first sexual experience and I was able to share how mixed up my adolescence was and that I no longer blame myself for things that were way out of my control. I now know how much I struggled and that is why, perhaps, I am extra sensitive to pain in others and know how much others can bury it under defences.

I just got a really loving text message from a special friend and that made my day and I felt overcome with gratitude that I could face up for the lunch today. My sister has been cleaning out some of Mum’s jewellery and after she gave me my present, she said “this is from Mum” and there were a few pieces in it that we went through.

I know my experience of growing up in our family as the youngest was far far different to those of my older siblings. I didn’t get held and was thrown out with so much vulnerability and ill preparation into the adult world carrying so so much trauma. If others judge me for lack of development they don’t see the truth of how hard I have been working to understand and mend my fractures or developmental wounds and soul tears.

I count myself so lucky for the good friends I do have. I had a lovely lunch with a friend from childhood yesterday who held my hand as I cried over the treatment from my nephew. That said I now feel he was only trying to protect his children and I respect that and my damage or trauma may be something that make him wary of me being close or opening up. That said it may have been braver on my part to let it stand. I would never ask another person to censor their expression.

The heart in me has not been totally damaged in its capacity to love, I know that now…. its just when hurt or misunderstanding comes I feel an urge to shut down. In the end it’s important my inner true deep feeling self can speak kindly to me at such times and take that hurting younger part onto its knee and comfort her, not continue to hit her over the head with a huge four by two. I can do that now. I finally have found a place inside myself through the holding power of kindness and unconditional affirmation and wisdom shown to me in therapy by Kat and that has helped me to grow in inner love and the capacity to hold my own past pain and release it.

Kat actually texted me today as she knew I had hit suicidal territory yesterday and that gave me strength to get up, face imperfect life and keep fighting or surrendering as I need too… So all in all I have an enormous amount in life to be grateful for. Most especially the love shown to me my by sister who is trying her hardest to be the loving sister she could not be before. I am so glad I opened my heart in forgiveness and it wasn’t her fault. I know that now. Healing really is happening for me. Thanks be to God.