Holding myself in the depths of my heartbreak : morning reflections

Starting this inner connection process is taking me deep. I took the courage to be honest with Chahir about how sexy texts overwhelm me and it turns out he had been very sick and in hospital which is why he wasn’t relpying. Now he said its better never to talk again and its launched me into the most profound heartbreak. I felt all the fear of being invaded sexually and associated it to suffering damage at the hands of my parents to my vulnerable body. I was wounded or hurt so many times by their carelessness.. arms pulled out of sockets, third degree burns on a camping holiday from one of Mum’s cleaning frenzies, fishhooks Dad left lying around stuck through the webbing of my two toes plus all the other trauma to suffer from the orthodontic work and crashes as well as terminations of pregnancy. I just lay on the floor a moment ago holding my body and crying to the depths of my being with the pain. Letting another man close sexually fills me with fear and sadly Chahir got the brunt of it. I sent him a message to say this is my wound as he deserves an open sexual relationship with a girl without wounds. That said I did not chose to be damaged and I need compassion and tenderness. I have never had ANY VIABLE BOUNDARIES to speak of due to all of this trauma. And AA only encouraged me to put the blame on myself and self centred fear. I see the truth of self centred fear though….. my parents carried these wounds they passed on… are they to blame? Not really.

As I wept and thought of how I may now have lost Chahir that old deep emptiness of the hole in the soul was back but in time it filled up with the pool of my tears. I actually prayed to God and the angels today because I feel my healing process is well under way and I know its not only personal but collective too. My sister is contacting me all the time and any of you who may have followed my blog for a while know what a HUGE turn around this is. She is really listening to me and I have been opening up to her in a way I never could before when I was trapped behind my fear defences.

I know the love I seek needs to come from within. My desire for a man who will see me and get me is so strong, it based on my father and brother’s emotional distance, but my sister and I even spoke about my bro yesterday and I see why and how he also isolates and is held captive by his workaholism. I have a lot more forgiveness in my heart now for every single member of my family and that includes the nephew who hates me due to me falling victim to a scam. That said its not okay to dump your anger on people at times for their flaws (that said we are all human and some of us are able to accept the vulnerability or brokenness of others with more love and compassion.)

I feel better now for having all of those feelings and releasing them from my body. I realised today how terrified my inner child is most of the time, she feels that she is unlovable and deficient especially on a sexual level and when basic trust is missing I see how it wounds us and others. I despair of having a relationship at times, but part of me feels that if I keep up this work in time I maybe healed enough… I just don’t know at this point. I set a boundary, I tried to say how I felt and the person says they do not want to talk anymore. I have to accept it… Its all in God’s hands anyway. If I have learned anything at all this far down the track it is that I don’t have any power or control over others, who stays, who leaves, who loves and accepts me unconditionally…..the only person I have a little power over is myself but only to the degree that I can be vulnerable and open to the truth of what I carry within in order to see, heal and release it. Today I prayed to God for help with releasing this pain and the residues I carry, this is what others I respect have recently advised me. God is there to help us heal if only we ask. “Knock and the door will be opened to you.” ❤