Fuck self improvement : what about accepting we have ‘weaknesses’, while still striving for change.

All kinds of weird shit seems to be portrayed as wisdom in this day and age of easy fixes and memes that boils the complex mystery of living down to a few simple lines. The truth is that life is complex, people are weird and we come into this world genetically wired in a certain way, as well as having an individual soul which is on its own journey to seek understanding or a way to live that works. Some of us get badly fucked around in our childhood BY THINGS OUTSIDE OF OUR CONTROL.

When I first got sober the first step required me to admit that my use of alcohol was (at that point) out of my control. I could not control it nor stop it. There is a powerful pamphlet I was given in the first year which was titled “Why Willpower Wont Work” when it comes to treating addictions. For myself I need to submit to the wisdom of others who had walked down a similar road to seek understanding of what worked for them and it may seem ‘out there’ but after my first meeting I had an inner conversion…..a kind of ‘miracle’ happened for me which made it possible for me to put down alcohol and drugs at age 31 and stop for good. Lately other kinds of sugar addictions have not been as easy to control as I have sought to find comfort in things that in the end are not always that healthy, especially after Mum died and I was dealing with all kind of inner confusion and pain.

In our modern day it is widely suggested that we should be able to eventually heal, fix or control some things we may never be able to, but that does not mean we cannot accept them, because in many ways the former relies on us being able to achieve the latter. The lesson comes in learning to develop a healthy realism around what is and is not in and out of our control and to realise that try as we are told to change or think we ‘should’ change, there are certain facets of our life, temperament and nature that simply are. Over time and through a process of rigorous honesty and realism we can cime to see what may be limiting or holding us back. We must also remember that at times shit happens to us just because that is life, not simply that we or someone else did or did not do something to cause it.

Over time I have had to come to accept that my parents and siblings were and are as they were and are. Mum was high wired and compulsive and short on nurture, Dad just stood back and laughed it all off which gave me the idea that nothing could be done, no one was coming to defend us or create boundaries with her. I came to believe that it was effectively hopeless to hope that I would be seen or have care or concern or could take any action to stop her reactions… so at around that time, guess what? I started using diversions and substances to either stop the feelings of pain and powerlessness and or escape. The result is that I have come to be a person who often seeks isolation, rather than the painful, confusing company of other humans. And at times, I react out of my feelings rather than common sense. I see it now in how things played out with ‘Scott’ over that 18 month period he continued to pull on me for money. I can even see now why my nephew got the shits about it, he simply could not show compassion for the young kid in me that still longed for unconditional love and positive self regard from my parents, which is what Scott continued to offer me, making promises to support me, something I have never experienced. Truth is, I became vulnerable through my wound and hurting emotions. I see it now, so thanks be to God for that : painful lesson well and truly learned.

I got a great book today called Fuck Feelings, its choc full of great positive, realistic insights into this kind of thing. It talks about accepting ourselves as we are, while working to change what limits us within healthy and realistic boundaries. The recent dental surgery has shown me there are things I need to change. This trauma is not all on how Mum had me go through the torture of braces all those years ago and having to wear medieval head gear that made my entire face ache, or that I had the head injury after family made me feel there was no place to hold the real me who was struggling so desperately with herself and her feelings after her marriage fell apart. It may also be down to the fact that since Mum died I have been eating too much chocolate and icecream. I am not going to be able to change my craving for sweetness on the lonely nights entirely, but becoming aware of what needs to change and seeking the sweetness in different ways may help.

Likewise with my kind empathic nature or thinking I needed to be there for others at the cost of my own life and feelings. It keeps attracting to me people who need empathy but giving it all the time to the point it hurts me isn’t, in the long run going to end up in healthy place for me. In the end its all about understanding my nature while not allowing what are gifts or strengths to devolve into weaknesses. Its hard for me to say “No, I don’t want or like that” if others get angry. It fills me with incredible anxiety and fear but if I don’t say No I suffer. That is what I am learning. My fear of abandonment, at least until now has been far too huge.

Some things we can change or work on changing only after we see the cost of not doing so. But we are, in the end only human, not super humans and much as we try sometimes there are things we will not ever be able to improve or change, even with the best will in the world. This is when I turn to my higher power for help to understand and know what to do and how to bear with the pain of ‘afterburn’ or shock when I start to try to set boundaries or for help to know what can and cannot be change. Like today, after seeing the dentist I got a shot of rage at all I have had to go through over so many years in my family simply because I could not take the active choice to choose for my life, but my need to be attached to them was so strong I could not fight it, even with the best will in the world, and perhaps, nor was I meant to. I cannot change the past it is one of the things I am most truly am powerless over, but I can make positive choices now..the best one..not to let that anger possess me or keep me trapped in negative emotions, rather use that energy to propel my life forward in ways which expand joy and a sense of being fully alive. Oh the relief of breaking out of that confining straightjacket of life I inherited in my family and through the playing out of complex multi-generational trauma.