A self delusion and unhealthy masochism : today’s reflections

I have had a huge wake up call over past days. I don’t know how many more teeth I will have to lose before I realise I cant keep sucking up past ancestral trauma and its only really since the Saturn Pluto conjunction hit that I see I should have made a clean break 19 years ago to move forward. Even after the head injury when the family I boarded with asked me to leave and I went on retreat to Glastonbury opportunities did come to stay over in the UK and I got pulled back to Australia in 2005. I deeply deeply regret it, even if I was able to be there for my Mum and sister in the final years the cost has been just too huge. After Mum died I got sucked in by a scam and still did not make a break and I don’t want to go on this way living in the delusion that in some way by understanding all the complex ties of family trauma I can heal it in some way. Its just too huge.

Much as I love my living sister she is still highly medicated. She is functioning well but its busy busy busy again… I hope this time the sense of being alive will hold and death will loosen its claim. We are due to go to the coast in three weeks and part of me just doesn’t want to go. Maybe I will just be going to finally say goodbye to that house, which her son now seems to be taking over. I think I have to make a break for my own life, I just don’t seem to fit into theirs and they don’t see me at all. They never could know the horror of what I have lived.

I feel sad for the last two partners who saw how unhealthy my family was, that said my last ex was pretty narcissistic in some ways but I think I myself suffer from the more inverted form of narcissism. Lately a psychotic part of me who thinks she has to turn herself inside out to be different and please others and is fuelled by dumped shame is becoming more and more apparent to me, and it makes me sad to see how damaged I became, ruled unconsciously by this inner killer. I hear a voice that tells me what piece of shit I am and how I must work so hard to even be accepted. This voice first began to become conscious around the time Jonathan left me and remember doing a powerful piece of writing about it called Destruction 11:11 which I cannot access now as its on the hard drive of a computer that died. It probably is a voice comprised of all the demonic self negating forces of our past fucked up patriarchal society, driven by a sick perfectionism and lack of true humanism.

My therapist claims that psychological separation is not necessarily made by breaking away physically or making a geographical move from family, that this is an inward job. But I notice how death holds me in its thrall at times, even if people aren’t conscious of how they are hurting us, they ARE HURTING US AND WE DONT HAVE TO COP SHIT!!! My sister has been showing some empathy but when she goes on and on about her and her son’s plans for the coast house both she and I own I find myself crying inwardly. I just want to sacrifice my share in the place. The thing is that they are not mean or nasty people but they are very very driven, I am a quieter contemplative person and at times I feel over run by the younger generation. That said I would never want to kill off life in anyone. Its good to see people full of energy and having fun in their lives, its an antidote to the heavily laden pain of seriousness and buckling down to duty and responsibility that I grew up with.

The wild wind of yesterday blew up a site of destruction in my garden yesterday, I got a bit triggered by OCD trying to clean it up before, hundreds of leaves from my tulip tree have been stripped and torn and puddles are lying everywhere. But I love the leaves and stopped while scooping them up in handfuls to breathe in the natural scent of moist natureliness that I so love. To be honest after I cleaned part of it up I recognised that I missed the chaotic beauty of the blown about aftermath of Mother Nature’s recent storm.

The last thing I want to do is get into a negative space about my past ancestral trauma history, but the truth is I don’t want the ancestors exerting such a powerful hold on me and keeping me trapped in such a powerful isolation. I listened to a wonderful programme on how important to our neurology and emotional health connecting heart to heart and eye to eye with others in life is. It involved a very interesting interview with a lady called Fiona Kerr who heads up The Neurotech Institute. I must admit I cried after listening to it to see and recognise how isolated I became after Jonathan left, because he gave up on me ever leaving the past tragic trauma behind, that said he wouldn’t support my therapy. Thanks for bearing with me as I go over and over this old territory in my blog, slowly I am making sense of everything, slowly I feel the powerful hold of masochistic regression loosening.

Thank you to those who point out its not healthy to stay connected to the ancestors past trauma. In his book on healing from the multi generational legacy of trauma, therapist Mark Wolynn encourages to assure our ancestors their suffering will not be in vain, but I no longer want to be the sacrificial lamb, for I do deserve good things in this life, I really do. I deserve my place of peace and rest outside of the trauma of such a long an painful past. Its taking all my strength to heal from the last hard knock of this dental assault, I will make sure from now on I no longer live in denial and work as hard as I can to take utmost care of myself. For it really is my primary job, masochism is really just an inverted form of dark narcissism and I deserve far better.