Merciful release : morning reflections

Yesterday the darkness seemed to reach a peak of intensity with the smoke of surrounding fires making yesterday like a living hell. However soft rain fell in the night and last night I slept better after feeling like I was about to explode with emotions as soon as I hit the bed. I got some huge spins and lots of sadness and rage came up about being cut off or withdrawn from by someone, that said today I see its all just part of the current time of change and revelation.

I stayed with the feelings as I felt them move through my body and this morning when I woke I did some great readings on anger and powerlessness. I felt so bad for swearing after being upset by something my dear friend said, and its made me question my own way of communicating to make sure its not too violent. I experienced waves of my parental self, telling my inner child that she is ‘bad’ for swearing while realising it was just a reaction to feeling misjudged.

The reading I did on anger explained how over time in emotional recovery its up to us to learn how to understand our feelings and respond to and express them skilfully. That said I cannot control how others are going to react to what I do or say or the degree of empathy and understanding they are able to show to me, when I am reacting from within a deeper wound. Some may make me feel like the bad guy if I swear, others may understand what it is like to hold a lot of intense feelings of frustration over feeling thwarted, hurt, blocked or misjudged in our lives.

That said only we can give ourselves permission to express or be. It is not always a given in childhood if we come from repressive homes, that said I know fear at times has also stood in the way of me making changes to move towards something better, or knowing when to accept that difficult conditions or not getting what I want may be for the purpose of my learning or growth. And this also goes to recognising the people who I am able to relate to. That said I do not know what is going on for my friend. Hearing that I may be in danger from the fires may have been frightening for him. And I was not in a good way that morning saying I was ready to die if anything bad went down and also that I was capable of and must take care of myself. But the truth is sometimes inner child me just wants someone to understand, hear and lean on. Then adult self realises sometimes its not the other person’s responsibility.

I noticed some hardness in my over past days but even as I write this I know I am not hard when softness is shown… I get hard when people mistake me. That said I have learned in life that so often I have had to take care of myself because at critical times no one was there. I thought of Dad today and of that time of loss back in 1985. In many ways it is more in my past now that I have been able to process the loss over the past few years. Actually as I look back it was when Saturn opposed Pluto back in 1999 – 2001 that the losses of my background began to emerge in sobriety. My marriage collapsed in 2003 – 04 under the pressure and that brought up every single loss and broken relationship with a man in my life and at that point I had 6 of them. All of these came up last night when I felt the intensity of how many times things have fallen apart with men. And Chahir withdrawing gave me a chance to feel all of this, so as far as I see it, this is twin flame work and showing me what still needs to be released so I can move on. And in some way may have to do with developing a better balance between the yin and yang, masculine and feminine elements inside myself.

I miss Chahir a lot at the moment but I also realise he has a lot to deal with in his own life and moving to Australia to be close to me is a big move and may not be best for him. I just trust in the process of life now. Maybe God has other plans for he and I. I am using prayer a lot more these days and going back to my 12 step work, especially seeking daily contact through periods of quiet, solitude, meditation and prayer where I do inner dialogue and listen for the voice of love and fear within. I listened to part of a good Teal Swan video on listening to intuition last night and its something that is spoke about in AA recovery a lot. We do have the answers inside when we take time to attune to our soul.

I am back at therapy today but sad I wont be able to go to the 10.30 Al Anon meeting which I went back to when therapy went back on a break, maybe I may ask to change today’s appointment. I love listening to others in meetings, in therapy though the focus in on me and I get listened to which is important for a person who as a kid so often was told to keep quiet and not be a bother. That theme actually came up in Al Anon last week, how for many of us learning to know and express ourselves forms the bulk of our recovery work. Self expression goes hand in hand with self care and self love, as do mindfulness, compassion and empathy which, if we can extend to ourselves, we can also learn to extend to others in love. I see my work currently lies in learning how to be a more effective and loving person. Today my inner child was screaming out angrily that she matters and that her feelings matter, part of me was shocked and over come but maybe I have been repressing this silent scream at times.

Well today it is such a merciful relief to be able to breathe and to look out on a sky that is clearer of smoke. I thank God for the rain that fell last night. I hear bushfire conditions have eased but the heat is coming in waves and we are in the low point of the swell right now. The Sun Pluto Saturn conjunction is about a week away now. We are, as a collective and personally, being pushed to become more conscious across so many levels of how well we are living in balance with inner and outer nature. Attuning to our sadness over recent events helps us realise what our soul feels and demands we must do to live in a far better balance with the inner feminine and masculine polarities within and without.