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A dark and extremely smoky New Year

A haze of smoke appeared in my living room last night and it felt so eerie and ominous almost as if a fire was burning in the back yard. I am perfectly comfortable with spending New Year alone, I remember back in my drinking days having to have somewhere to go and not really enjoying it a lot of the time and consuming far too much alcohol, admittedly those days are far behind me. I just had a quiet night and spoke to a friend until after 12 pm and got to sleep only to wake to an environment that felt so apocalyptic. It is hard to describe the atmosphere here are present with fires ranging to the south and north and west, the air quality is in the 2000 range and apparently air becomes hazardous at around 300, despite this I braved a very lonely walk with Jasper to the lake choosing a spot where there are many willow trees providing shade and cool, as well as a small waterway with grass and leaf strewn banks. Most of the other exposed grass in Canberra is burned away by the sun right now, most of my neighbours who have not been keeping up the water have dead nature strips if they don’t have the benefit of tree shade, however that is the least or our worries when I consider what people on the south coast in towns like Cobargo and the Bega Valley are suffering. I heard a man on the radio today almost crying saying how barren the landscape now is in what used to be one of the post pristine of coastal lands, as well as how much fauna has been lost. Not a great start to the New Year.

I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook today. I think of the days when I felt down or upset or depressed but I always had the opportunity of natural settings close by to me where I could go to seek refuge, those are getting harder to find with the amount of smoke infiltrating our town and on Saturday we will see the mercury reach 42 degrees Celcius.

I had a brief chat to a beautiful willow tree close to the watery outlet that runs down to the lake earlier on. I felt the soft soothing of the green leaves on the tree and saw a tiny patch of the tree where moss had settled, when I first got sober in 1993, a huge moreton bay fig tree was my higher power. In AA we were told our higher power could be whatever we needed and so I chose that tree which straddled a particularly lovely patch of Sydney harbour very close by to where I was living and had got married only a few months earlier. I still see nature as my source and like many of us it fills me with such pain to feel what is happening on our planet, but its kind of interesting it was toward a tree I turned rather than another human being, other humans have failed me so many times, but maybe that is just life.

This may sound off the wall and I don’t want to upset anyone but today I heard aboriginal voices telling me that the fires are pay back for how we decimated entire groups of indigenous peoples. I think of how it was the advent of industrialisation that robbed the heart of the industry my great great grandfather was involved in in the 1870s and forced him to seek a new life in a land far far from home. I think of the grief his father expressed in a letter he sent one Christmas when he shared his sadness over the realisation he would not see his son’s face again. I think of how my father too immigrated from half a world away after the war seeking protection and material security and how much he crashed and burned out as a result of seeing my own sister driven to an aneurysm by over doing things. I think of how I ended up isolated and alone in my addiction and then how my marriage ended because of the communication breakdown with my ex husband. He wasn’t interested in a room of miserable people : that was how he judged members of the one Al Anon meeting he attended in the early days of my sobriety. He considered therapy a colossal waste of time.

I think of how eventually after other things in my life broke down, even well into sobriety I ended up finally back in my home town, so far from where my own soul may have chosen if my mother and disabled sister were no longer alive. I spent Christmas and New Year alone and my two siblings could not even be bothered to return calls on those two days. Anyway it is what it is. Today I worked extra hard on counting my blessings. I am not truly alone as there are people I can reach out to. Its just modern life gets so very busy and everyone is disconnected so much of the time. As I share often WordPress is where I find my family of choice and soul, so I chose to focus here and look this year to things that will bring true connection, make my heart happy and bring me peace. I want to focus on giving this year in some way for in the end its not what I get but what I give that counts, that said I am so appreciative when anyone reaches out to me. For without the care and love I TRULY would be all alone.

So wherever you are I am wishing you a very peaceful and happy 2020. May it be full of connection and growth for you too, where ever your journey takes you. With love ❤

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized33 Comments

33 thoughts on “A dark and extremely smoky New Year”

  2. Being alone at this time of year brings back memories which are closing off the sad. Measuring how far we have traveled in this journey we call life. Nature brings love and our pets too fill the emptiness with love, a pure love. Their pleasure is us, their love is for us, their trust is with us.

    I liked the quote from the Aboriginals I believe it is so. Man cannot blithly keep destroying life, the nature of Australia is rare and people come in with no feeling or understanding of what was created before and for why. This will happen all over the world and USA is punished in the same way as Australia for defiling the Native Lands of Sacredness. Disrespect, pushing and forcing their belief system on everyone. Listen to your soul and follow your guidance as you do and whatever happens in this world you will be all right.

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    1. I am so glad you agree. I was scared of being accused of blasphemy but in the first year of sobriety I had a dream and I was accepted and invited into a dancing circle of aboriginal women. Today they told me I need to get this message out.

      I am glad you got it. We showed them fuck all respect and raped and pillaged land. Some arrogant people still want to thumb their noses and climb all over Uluru, including my brother. It bites me. That said they are the kindest most forgiving people. I am so glad you shared your thoughts. I feel validated now. Thank you so much. ❤

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      1. I could have said more but these beautiful knew Our Heavenly Father and Yeshua/Jesus but by different names. The invading people were evil and ignorant in believing only they knew God, joke their actions proved they did not.

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      2. I agree completely. Jesus was about love and treating everyone as a sacred brother. not invalidating them and their culture and languages but sadly the white races saw themselves as more Godly and no they were not. It was just ignorance.

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      3. Absolutely I feel this. So much can be learnt from the different races. Strange how the invaders could not see that Jesus/Yeshua had no need to correct the native inhabitants. As they kept to the laws of God Our Heavenly Father without question.

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      4. They were not open minded at all to any beliefs but their own (the colonisers and invaders) and that was the extent of hubris. Native peoples lived more in harmony with nature and they had profound cosmologies and belief systems that harmonised, but you know all of this. I think there is such a rich dimension of consciousness that hopefully will begin to emerge more and more. Because modern life to a large extent is often devoid of soul and that is why there is so much suffering, in my opinion.

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  3. Hi Deb, enjoyed your article, and overall positive attitude was evident throughout your piece. So I wrote little piece, after I arrived home from lunch with Miffy & John, and our family friend Maddie.
    I’m well-seasoned……the stuffing’s still tasty
    I’m well-travelled…… I desire to do more
    I’m well worn………….It’s time to buy a new pair of ‘rocking shoes’
    I’m well, almost……….enough to keep pedalling “Yorkie”
    I’m well aged …………here’s cheers and a toast to you, to another decade of living life…
    Another stepping stone across the river of time my friend

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  4. I am now just realizing that you are from Australia…now when the Earth is cleansing in that location. I wonder when we will be next. ‘Coincidentally’ I recently saw a movie – very hard to watch actually – could barely hold my tears and the feeling of injustice engulfed the entire movie – “The Nightingale”. Anyway, I thank you for your courage, let me know if maybe I could help somehow.

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    1. I will look for that movie. I do believe this is a cleansing for us and we need to look very deeply at this time at how closely we are living in accord with nature’s rules and rhythms. That accords with what I sense astrologically and spiritually. I felt an easing today after gentle rain fell in the night but the earth is squeezing us to change our ways at a very deep level.

      Its a help just knowing you are here and facing fear is something we all have to do while digging ever deeper for acceptance humility and love.

      Thanks so much for reaching out. ❤

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