Not allowing ourselves to be as hurt by others : some reflections

It can be hard to shake off negative criticism and unfair accusations when our self esteem is low, or we never learned the power of healthy boundaries. There is a saying : “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” I think that is not entirely true although Eleanor Roosevelt also said “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Talking over recent attacks by one of my nephews with his brother yesterday, he was saying that he has been on the receiving end of similar, as was his father. He said that the attacks didn’t really affect him as he saw it as his brother’s problem, in other words the things said were not able to lodge under his skin. It had the opposite effect with me, even though I felt myself to be unfairly judged, it really hurt, considering the love I have always had in my heart for this particular nephew and the fact that a lot of it revolved around money and an inheritance he though he was owed which really had nothing to do me at all, but was all mixed in with his own pain. I realise he actually didn’t have a right to pass judgement and he doesn’t know all the facts, that said sometimes I am too open in terms of discussing my personal life. I am learning that once certain people know something about you (and particularly narcissists) they will use it to take you down.

I had a long conversation with my second cousin yesterday about family matters, she was saying that over the years she has learned to respond less intensely to unfair treatment and not take it as personally. Both being aware of our painful ancestral legacy of alcoholism, we have shared before that we experienced similar emotional neglect from very emotionally detached parents and the legacy of a painful abandonment wound that can leave in terms of being triggered by feeling ignored, dismissed or left out. Getting a handle on our own wounds from the past helps shows us where we may be vulnerable to being hurt again or shaming ourselves over and over, since we often tend to blame ourselves for abuse or neglect as children seeing our parents as God like.

I read a bit on schema therapy a while back and found that helpful in terms of lenses we use to view the world, just because we perceive something a certain way, does not mean it is objectively like that. What we make of how we are treated and what we see others do and how we react does have a degree of latitude once we get a handle on schemas and wounds, we then get more of a power to respond and not to amp up the charge of hurtful things said or done to us.

Breeding or feeding resentment and hate is a huge part of 12 step recovery for many of us. I have heard it said that resentments mark where we see ourselves as victims. The truth is that in the past and particularly as young children we were victims of a world that was more powerful, especially in terms of how it responded, what it allowed and what it made us feel was ‘wrong, bad or flawed’ in us. As a child we cannot just decide to find a new family if the old one is abusive. However, in one of his inner child healing meditations, recovering alcoholic John Bradshaw actually provides a healing meditation where you visit the home of your child self at a particular age and rescue them from the toxic or neglectful environment and take them to a safe and loving place. This, as I see it forms the bulk of emotional recovery work for those of us personally victimised or neglect, hurt or treated badly as kids, especially those of us who were ‘shame dumped.’ Many of us also have childhood wounds to grieve as well as a legacy of dysfunction that rose out of it and may have pursued us into addiction and even early years of emotional recovery work.

Self empowerment means knowing our true value and knowing what our strengths and weaknesses are. Humility will make us open to fair criticism but that said I have heard Robert Bly say that the minute someone asks him if they could just tell him how one of his poems could be improved, he says no thanks and just walks away. The sad thing about narcissists is that they never think they are at fault for anything. It is always someone else’s fault and they feel justified in criticising or having a superior attitude in which they seem to have all the answers or enjoy pointing our your flaws or weaknesses and deficiencies.

One of the best ever books I read in sobriety was called Addiction to Perfection. I love the AA saying that in recovering a sense of stronger self esteem and coming to terms with past character problems we strive for progress rather than perfection. In that book Jungian analyst, Marion Woodman points out the ideals are not real and they can erase or negate the instinctual life. She says that its far better to have a parent who responds with allowances for a child’s necessary instincts than one who tries to override them with perfectionist edicts. Often a parent doing this is in flight from their own weaknesses or vulnerabilities or shadow stuff.

In my own life I am getting better at deflecting undue shame dumping and criticism. I have seen it happen in my family and I have learned in Al Anon that the alcoholic way is just to throw people out without mercy when the person sitting on their perfectionistic high horse has decided they just don’t pass muster. Learning not to take things personally is hard for many of us who didn’t get to develop strong egos. Learning to take down unnecessary ego protections is also important so we don’t allow negative judgements to cut us off from the healing power of mercy and love. We can feel hurt and still learn to respond to others with respect and respect for our selves means we don’t stick around to be unfairly hurt by those who are hurting us.