What am I longing for : reflections on handling disappointment

Disappointment of longings, hopes and dreams can be painful and trigger us to react in all kinds of ways. I’ve shot myself in the foot and caused a whole heap of distress for myself in the past, reacting out of hurt or disappointment or hurting a lot when longing got thwarted. I have learned the hard way that the kindest thing I can do for all concerned when this situations occurs is to sit with pain and learn about what its trying to tell me. Before reacting, pausing and reflecting helps. And then there are times I want something but though painful not getting it wasn’t essential to my growth, or times I was hurt and perhaps needed to be to learn a lesson.

I had a trigger of disappointment today and I triggered someone else’s fear, they jumped to the conclusion I was angry when I was just frustrated and disappointed. We sorted it out and then I thought to myself it would have been better to hold the disappointment inside, but then I am not perfect and I don’t get things right all the time and its true that failure can be a good teacher. Rebounding from disappointment and regaining our life energy is so important. I have literally spent years of my life sitting around in isolation and pain over past things, that said I needed the therapy when I hit 6 or so years of active sobriety to deal with all I was trying to manage as well as the complex life situation in which I felt moved to make sacrifices for my family while on another level resenting it. Today I saw some old stuff that happened between my mother and I with a new light of clarity. I get the keys to a property today that Mum bought before she died hoping I would move into it, and I have to make the decision over the next few months if I want to move into something smaller with far less garden and upkeep but no bath and/or fireplace, and no big beautiful tree in the backyard which are three things that really nurture my soul. Anyway at the auction about 3 years ago our hands were forced by the real estate agent and we ended up with this property that Mum rented out. With the benefit of hindsight I see how Mum struggled to help me and worried, often taking on burdens that were not hers as a parent and trying to compensate for her emotional unavailability, but failing dreadfully at times. I see myself struggle and at times see where my excessive self focus may make me a bit selfish. I long for things from family I don’t get and the absence of Mum at times makes it harder but still when I get realistic about it the disappointment doesn’t need to monopolise me and there are always steps I can take to make myself feel better. That is where learning skills for self care, self love and self soothing really helps me.

There are times too that I am going to hurt or let down or disappoint other people when I am just trying to take care of myself. I told Scott today I cannot help him any more and its not fair on Chahir to keep in contact. On a material level Chahir has less to offer me than Scott but he also hasn’t asked me to rescue him. He is also willing to take the steps to come to meet me under his own steam. Making this decision to cut off contact with Scott will be better in the long run. I kept closing and re opening the door for some reason trying to work something through. I tried my best to help this guy over 18 months and it didn’t work out. I came to believe it was all a scam but I still will never know. But right now I need to close the door and keep it firmly shut.

I know for myself disappointment of longing isn’t the end of the earth. Its a message to regroup and practice emotional maturity and self care. I came across a great little book for children at the library earlier in the year called The Disappointment Dragon, it gave a number of scenarios where kids had to handle disappointments and come to terms with them in a healthy way. Due to the way my childhood was I missed out on a lot of normal, fun, spontaneous stuff and with far older siblings it was above and beyond me. I didn’t get to develop the ease of relating with kids around my own age, I learned to cover over my deep insecurities (which Mum once admitted to me were the one ‘gift’ she felt she had given to me.) I am still working to understand my insecurities better and focus less on my shortcomings and more on my strengths. I learned great stuff in my family, how to work hard and be responsible and take care of myself on my own but I missed out on a lot too. Disappointment over all of that lingers and if I am honest a degree of envy for those who don’t struggle so hard to relate and yet some of that difficulty with relating is down to my high empathy as well. Slowly I am learning better ways to deal with my feelings and not react as badly when my insecurity or sense of deep disappointment gets triggered. Its still very much a work in progress..