Doubt in beauty and goodness

Some of us are more conditioned to see the damaged parts ourselves, rather than the whole, beautiful, intact parts and I have read that this is a key symptoms of growing up in low nurturance homes that where high in shame and criticism and of a co-dependent person. For myself Mum was always trying to ‘correct’ something about me, be it the way I spoke, the way I sat, the way my teeth were. I look at my teeth now and see they weren’t that bad but never the less I lost the front one in the accident a few months after the braces came off. I now wear a denture and have ongoing problems with head alignment and digestion due to the trauma of the two accidents.

I realise that often I don’t see my own beauty. I only see the flaws, I only see the impossibilities, I can look for why love cannot live in my life even if the promise of love is close, a thousand doubts and fears cloud my vision of love and then make things harder for me. I remember having a powerful dream about this not long after my ex partner and I got together, in the dream toxic dream women told me he was only using me and when he found out about the dream a few years later my ex hit the roof in his usual fashion and walked out on me.

I feed my own doubts and fears often. I see the things standing the way and forget to empower myself over the obstacles giving myself the encouragement to face the hard parts and front up to the challenges and inspire myself with love and confidence. I am thankful to see this today as fear manifested yesterday and it hurt someone’s heart and only I can own the power my own fears and self doubt and criticism play in making my life harder.

If all is reflection then fear and doubt just act in a corrosive way towards love but I have heard that adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics or trauma with a high level of anxious attachment actually need stable secure partners who mirror back love and not more doubt or react in anger to the person’s wounded self. That said until we truly deeply love ourselves and feel worthy of love it will not be possible to express that love and draw that love towards us, instead we just end up attracting more of the same issues in relationships and seeing our worst fears manifest over and over again.