Struggle

I struggle to be kind to myself and my body, I am noticing lately that often I will over ride signals telling me something isn’t good. It is just automatic with me. Reading the book on boundaries I noticed I struggle with being compliant (which is a reaction I am trying to change) while inwardly rebelling due to a terror of losing connection. I have made a bit of progress with this of late and today I took another risk. I also struggle with expressing my needs and asking for support. I was feeling very much pain today and I actually thought about the desire to not be here any more and end my life. I hate to write this in my blog today when just yesterday I said I was doing well.

Today I have piercing headache and my body symptoms have been shocking. I experienced a disappointment with someone and it has affected me. It shows me ideas of people and projections are often off the mark. I need to always do a reality check with what I am expecting or projecting onto others. I tend to connect very quickly with others and throw all my energy towards them, but then at times when I am invaded I withdraw completely. I think it may have a lot to do with not having felt free to honestly express myself as well as the complete lack of emotional attunement from my mother and father which left a huge reservoir of attachment longing and pain.

I was looking at a picture of them taken on a Melbourne city street when Dad must have been on leave from the airforce and they are dressed up but their body postures are so rigid. Looking at it reminds me that both my parents were just young kids who met and married and had had next to no nurturant parenting. Dad escaped Holland at the age of 18 for the Dutch East Indies having lost his own father at the age of 12 and Mum lost her Dad during the depression at the age of 7. As I look at them and remember how little affection there was and how duty bound we all were growing up my heart really hurts. There is also an advertisement showing on television in Australia at the moment for the Dads 4 Kids foundation. In it it says that ultimately your kids aren’t going to be worried about the kind of house they lived in, the kind of car you drove, or the type of clothes they wore but about how much time was spent with them. That made me so sad as it reminded me just HOW IMPORTANT those external things were to my Mum and Dad.

The truth is I am carrying such loneliness from my childhood and such fear. I see how easily others bond and connect with each other and then I feel that I am damaged in every way and can never hope for that kind of easy trusting closeness. Today that horrible attacking voice was back telling me my trust and fear issues will never allow me to have a healthy relationship and I am doomed to be left over and over again when partners realise how I don’t measure up, especially around the issue of sexual intimacy which is a big one for me. I know this may not be the truth but when this voice besieges and attacks me its the most painful thing for me. Its like its literally hammering at me or crushing me in a vice. And I have been having nosebleeds again over past days from the pressure of feelings building up at this time of year. There has been some intense emotions around and I know Mars is in Scorpio at present and that relates to deep emotional desires especially around love, intimacy, power and connection.

I am being honest today in my blog to get these feelings out of me. The lack of contact from my sister also hurts me so so much. I ring her all the time, when she was in hospital I visited her and took her out, her family ignore me, as if I don’t exist and she doesn’t call of her own volition. Also she and my brother are doing nothing at all to sort out Mum’s estate and its coming up for 2 years soon. Its not about the money but I do need financial support and my sister owns four properties including Mum’s unit left to her and the property Mum bought she said would be mine has not been signed over but kept in the company my Mother ran while alive. Money wont go any way to soothing my loneliness but it will make me feel I at least have some ground under my feet.

I don’t want to forget the positive things today but I am struggling again. Today it all just felt too painful to be here. I don’t like being back in this lonely place but today my body feels so sore. My sobriety birthday is tomorrow and I will make sure I get to a meeting tomorrow just to celebrate it, but sometimes its been a tough journey to have to face the pain of a past that others would have rather I denied. Today I got the shits too with a Facebook group I am involved with, someone was saying that trauma is actually just an ‘illusion’, things like this bite at me, they seem to be spiritual bypasses, they deny the deep pain some of us have to go through on the journey of recovery, as well as what we have carried. Sure I don’t want to live in the trauma ongoing all the time but to say its an illusion to me is bullshit. I had to comment back with that and then felt a bit sick. Then thought of deleting all my other comments. This is how it goes for me when I try to say something I think or feel, I then think I should have not said anything at all, for to do so will just invite controversy. This is the dilemma I constantly live with.