Triggered but coping

The huge crane and earth moving equipment moved in next door on Monday. I came home from therapy and a visit to town to find half of the next door neighbour’s house demolished and got through that with a panic attack due to the noise but today has been relentless and really triggered my head trauma. I was screaming at one point just to get the energy out of me and stop it whirling around inside. I know this helped though some people don’t understand our need to vocalise through trauma. I had got myself up and walked Jasper and was ready for the gardener to come. The noise stopped a few moments ago. I had another attack after a walk with Jasper and I calmed myself by sitting under the trees in the park and reading my book by Rupert Thompson which I never got to finish a few months ago.

Now the peace is reinstated I realise nothing lasts forever, but the sad thing about traumatic imprints is that they do repeat, what keeps me stuck sometimes is my need to resist and at others its getting stuck and not making a move (like taking myself and Jasper out) when the noise all got too much to cope with.

I also noticed something interesting today, I got annoyed with the earth moving operator seeing him smoking a cigarette while operating the machine and thought its these hard numbed out people who can make this amount of noise and be oblivious of it effects on others, but then I caught myself in the judgement and just a moment ago I had to go out to ask if he can move his truck later as the dog grooming lady is coming and he was very sweet and kind. I thought of the judgement I had and how it came out of feeling something being done to me was hurting me. When I get irritated that makes things a whole lot worse if I don’t look for a distraction that can make me feel good. Today it was giving Jasper a soft ear tickle and massage. We don’t often enjoy those kind of quiet moments just the two of us in the car.

My heart was sore yesterday too. Scott contacted me begging not to let him go and stop talking to him saying I am his entire peace, joy, love and happiness, it cut me to the bone as I was honest with him about my new connection and then I felt that if I had to give it up just not to hurt another person it would end up hurting me and that made me feel just so sad. But I also felt sad for his pain. I know there is a time when we get hurt, that is just life. My therapist made the point last week that its the child in us that worries about this hurt, while the adult knows that life is often full of suffering and hard decisions which we may need to make to let something better grow, like the pruning that needs to take place at certain stages of life or under Saturn transits.

I actually wish I was able to take the harder decisions in my life before this. Being soft and sensitive does come with blessings and I would never want to change my nature but I also think if we are like this we need a strong side that is willing to put up the necessary protections and fight our corner when something is not good for us and only WE can decided this. Its not for anyone else to tell us. The problem in co-dependency is that we put our power outside of ourselves and get too enmeshed in caretaking the other person’s feelings in cases when they have to do certain work or take certain responsibilities or maybe even suffer through something we cause in trying to take care of ourselves. They say in AA often that the easier softer way is not always the best. As my therapist said on Monday we need to develop a tough skin at times and not take everything so personally. There is a time for a spade to be called a spade if that is the opinion of someone and we should be able to respect that as their opinion and not necessarily all about us.

This ongoing process with developing healthier boundaries is a work in progress for me. I usually used to over ride niggles of discomfort in relationships and shut down that little voice saying that something just didn’t seem to feel right. Now I realise its very important to listen to it and when I feel uncomfortable even if its hard to tell someone or it may hurt them I am better off being honest. I am getting sick of over riding how I really feel just in order to ‘be nice’. It can end up rebounding. I went along with sending all of that money this year even when everything inside me didn’t want to do it. I set the boundary and then collapsed it. I trusted and I am being asked to trust again but at the moment I don’t want the stress. I would rather just manage my own life and take care of my own responsibilities.

Being alone is not the worst thing in the world when we have ourselves. Trauma is difficult at times to manage when it is triggered for me but at least this was just a temporary stress. I am sure the building works will make noise but not as much as today, and anyway it was kind of interesting to see a house razed to the ground and then watch the earth movers at one point. By engaging my interest I was able to shut out the noise but only for a time. Today I know there is always something I can do to take care of myself. I am not a powerless victim any more. Listening to my inner signals gives me information. Knowing when to hold in a reaction over something that wont last helps. Knowing when to really be firm about what it hurting and might be able to be changed is also important which leads me back at the end of this post to the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Apt words with my sobriety birthday only 2 days from now.