Put it behind you.

Put it behind you. It is all in the past : these things belie the truth that trauma lives on energetically especially massive body shock cut to pieces trauma and its hidden energetic vibration or damage.

I listened to a segment on head injury trauma from football last night. A guy died at 57 due to that trauma and his family only got small cues something was wrong. My own head trauma repeats daily. I can use the breath when I get overcome but at times I feel I am dying or fighting to breathe. All alone no one sees or knows. And in my last relationship I was abused for having it. That came up last night with a friend who said to put it behind me. God knows I truly try but certain imprints and wounds still live on and need our tender non judgemental awareness.

I dreamed I was shot at point blank range last night but lived on. I shared in therapy today that this time of year reminds me of the expolsions of my accident and my sister’s aneurysm, as well as Mum and Dad’s deaths. I dont want to live trapped inside the feelings but they need acknowledgement as existing still. And my body mind remembers but I still have to deny the pain with some people, or minimise it.

Its anxiety provoking wondering if your painful reality will or will not be acknowledged. If it isn’t these days I don’t let it effect me as much as in days gone by. I learn who is and is not able to understand which often means limiting contact with some people. I can do this as I validate the depth of my trauma and suffering now. I see the way I let others judgements push me to be better or more active than at times was possible. I had to hold it all so its no wonder I sometimes feel like I will explode. Its repressed Uranian life force too.

Certain things are behind us in the past but still present in memory. Do we try to erase that or live as peacefully with it as we can? One things is certain though, tenderness, empathy and validation are like sweet honey on a sting..they are the soothers for what we carry in silence and trepidation.

Some days my trauma sleeps..others it wakes up like a bear with a sore head…literally. on those days i get out to touch base with goodness if I can. I put on some soothing music, give myself a foot bath. I soothe the beast until it relaxes…when I can. And I give thanks for being alive.