Its dark dusty windy and ominous outside today. I forced Jasper and I out for a walk and run around at the oval and we got buffeted about by the wind but it was honestly so strong it nearly knocked me over. It was hard to open the car door. I hadn’t checked Kik messages for some days and today it broke my heart, ‘Scott’ is still pleading for help and asking about my health every day and telling me how much he loves me but my faith is shattered though remnants of doubt linger, meanwhile I am connecting even deeper with my friend over in Morocco every day and that relationship brings my soul such comfort, but there is distance and a thousand reasons we may not meet and he is very very much younger than me which worries me. I’ve lost a lot of weight as older age advances and I get critical of my appearance but I know that’s not seeing deep into the heart of the matter. And to be honestly lately I am feeling so much softer and I just want to see the sacred in everything. I really just feel all of this love in my heart bursting through lately even for the ‘mess’ I often see my life to be, the truth is all along I tried my best and I went along with things often that others wanted or needed at the expense of my own needs just to stay connected. I even keep trying with my family though from my brother and sister not a lot comes back. Yet even these relationships I try to see as sacred.
I got back from our windy walk and cleaned out the car, there was lot of stuff that needed sorting there, I will make lunch in a moment then head out. I am trying to celebrate the good and I invited a friend over for lunch on Friday. I am getting more of a handle on my inner ‘naysayer’ and critic. I am dancing around a lot and laughing as therapy and tears still fall some of the time over all the sad things I have been so powerless to change.
I keep praying to my angels and particularly Michael. I was given the guidance about a blue flame in meditation a few weeks and it checked out on line and is related to the soul. At times I need to reach for something out of this world to sustain me on the darker days. I trust that my spirit is eternal and all those who I have connected with are in my life for a very good reason. I thank God for the gifts he has bought into my life lately. I take the lessons from the pain. I see how I struggled and was vulnerable and often felt the need to hide that out of fear of being overpowered and sometimes I was. But I also know I am strong. My 26th sobriety birthday is very close now. And for those 26 years no matter what has gone down I haven’t needed to pick up a drink or a drug and for that I am eternally eternally grateful.
Emerging From The Dark Night 