How painful it felt : some reflections

If we want to heal we have to be willing to feel how painful it felt as a child to not be responded to, seen or got. If we do not allow ourselves to feel these painful feelings and instead deny them they will continue to live on deep inside of us. I shed a lot of tears today after watching the video from Tara Brach I shared in the previous post. I have loved her writing ever since I came across her first book many years ago after Jonathan left me, Radical Acceptance and her second book True Refuge has also moved and resonated with me deeply in past years. Listening to this talk on how we barricade ourselves and then switch off to others or become permanent ‘victims’ projecting, instead of feeling, owning and processing as well as releasing our pain, using it to fuel self awareness helped me a lot. When she spoke of the ‘knot of criticism and judgement’ she felt around her family I resonated.

I called my brother on Wednesday even though he never calls. I asked all about his recent life and then I got off the phone and cried and cried and cried. He gets so busy he rarely calls and I feel a bit raw coming up to my sobriety birthday and anniversary of Dad’s diagnosis with cancer and my Mum’s death. Never the less I am glad I reached out. I know he wont change but I want to love him anyway even though I tussle with how I feel about it.

Today a friend I asked to visit was at a Christmas Party. The nephew I hoped to join for his 50th birthday is going away for a holiday and another friend was too busy to come for dinner before Christmas, but on the positive side my friend in Morocco has been available for long talks at night. And my other nephew phoned to have a chat on Friday. When I feel the lonely child in me who learned only to turn to herself the wound hurts. I feel it in my body now as Mars squares my natal Saturn Moon, this is the scar I carry that makes connection all that more sweet when it happens in a good way and all that more painful when resonances come to trigger it.

Today I don’t think its self indulgence to feel this. I think it takes courage but I don’t need to stay inside of it, I don’t need to let it possess me fully to the extent I never reach out or try for connection. Today I don’t have to stay stuck in that past stuff. Lately I feel tired and there is a lot to do to maintain the house and garden as the weather heats up. I am grateful for a roof over my head but right now I do need to pace myself due to the fact I have been getting chest pain. I also need to front up for my cancer check up which is a bit scary.

Today I will reach for what brings me happiness in my life. Today I will have a peaceful day. Today I will honour the pain of the past and not get stuck in it, for at every moment there is a chance to reach out and connect and do to the nourishing thing, bringing calmness and acceptance to whatever it is that I am feeling. This way lies peace. And even if I am alone today I wont necessarily be lonely because today I was present for the truth of what was rising up for acknowledgement from deep within.