I bow to nature : evening reflections

I probably always will a bit set apart from life and other people with my trauma history. It was obvious at the reunion a few weeks ago, my accident took me out of circulation and I faced death and a long period of being pinned in place in a hospital bed with horrendous injuries so bad that several of the women at the dinner said they threw up after seeing me in hospital. That imprint has lasted and repeated when I failed to move forward in my marriage and stay in the UK which I loved. I came home to be with my sick sister and mother who was struggling, to at least be of some support, but not before my marriage detonated by the conflict I had between past pulls and future hopes. I ended up trying to pick up the dropped thread overseas and crashing and burning again in 2005.

I cannot change one second of the past. I have spent the past 26 years trying my hardest to integrate it and come to terms with our family fate of which I, as the youngest child, carry a huge portion. I have read that certain transits I underwent when I decided to come back to my home town in 2011 related to reconciliation with the family fate. My marriage was not meant to survive which is still a source of sorrow. Only yesterday I cried deeply with Jasper (my dog) about certain things I put my husband through. Watching the recent episode of Patrick Melrose bought it home to me. He was also set apart by his abuse trauma and struggled with the residues. That said it ended for good reason at the time. I had to find my own new container or build it slowly over time and lots and lots of painful trial and error. I entered my chrysalis in 2006 after the crash that took place a year after that marriage ended.

I need to honour the breadth and depth of my journey, especially as I draw closer to my 26 sobriety birthday. For too long I have been diminishing and dismissing myself and blaming myself for things not my fault. I see the load I carried trying to bring the light to family in sobriety and often being rejected. I consider myself what Kyle Grey says to be ‘a light warrior’. I bring the light to shine into the dark places in myself, in my history, in my world. I am sometimes rejected or repel people with my energy or honesty but that is never about me but maybe about what I carry. That said due to being an empath I need my time alone. I am highly sensitive. I really noticed it today, I had my bedroom carpets cleaned and the noise and smell of the chemicals impacted me so badly I had to go walk around the block to cope. I now value this side of me. I cannot bear brutality or people fucking others over with power trips, even subtle ones which are rife in our superficially oriented world.

Nature is my go to place for healing and grounding. I am learning to spend more time in my garden lately and start my day there. I get overcome with feelings about my father when I garden, as I shared in a recent post. My Dad found refuge in his garden and never spoke of things in his heart. He died with his truth all locked up inside of him, struggling to provide for his family and build security. I was so angry with my Dad for a long time. He stopped me coming back and completing my teaching degree in 1980. He forced me to go to business college which I hated. Now I have more forgiveness in my heart for a past that cannot be changed in which I was repressed and learned to repress and undervalue myself. That pattern needs to change.

I have witnessed so much of the consequences of emotional neglect and lack of self love as well as over running boundaries in my own family especially in the 7 years up until my mother died in 2017. I have sat with two sisters in psyche or trauma care facilities, giving as much love as I could from my heart. I do not regret it any more. Maybe the highest form of love is to give and be present to bear witness to a deep anguish others will only revile. But I also know I have a right to my own life. I have a right to walk free of the family ‘curse’. Maybe that will be possible now.

I have been through something huge in trying to help ‘Scott’ who to me represents a part of my inner masculine. To date my money is promised return and I will wait to see what happens. I may not get it back but I wont be sending more. I need to take care of my own life now. I don’t expect others now to do what they are not capable of. I know I will never find peace until I embrace life realistically. I can hope for a better world but not be blind to the traps of this one and how often we lose our way or how early neglect or abuse sets us up for retraumatisation or the ‘repetition compulsion’ so that we can heal.

Today I honour my journey. I honour my strength. I honour my path. I no longer seek for love anywhere outside of me because God created me in her image as she did all of us. I don’t have to bow down to any human but I do bow to nature and the divine life force that knows and breathes truth. I really truly do.