It burns : reflections on my battles with self assertion (Mars)

When I think of all I gave away willingly to the scammer/narcissist lately its not easy at all. Part of me is very very angry about while another is scared of that level of anger. In our family we were never allowed to be angry. I read this week in astrologer Liz Greene’s book on Neptune that Mars (planet of desire and self assertion) is the contrary force to Neptune (planet of psychological fusion and ‘self’ sacrifice). In our world sacrifice was venerated, we were to put our own needs behind us. Or at least I was.

Now I see how I feel for a stupid ‘bargain’ with the scammer part of me is angry with my adult self who failed to show up and set that boundary. I think its interesting that in all the texts sent yesterday Mr Scammer was posting parts of the Bible on the error of judgement. And he was telling me it was wrong to be angry. I told him I feel sad rather than angry but then I remembered how an old therapist and body worker I used to see said that often women are more allowed to be sad than angry.

Anger is a cry from the authentic self which helps us to set the appropriate boundary with others and if we are shamed for anger or protest we resort to the common Complex PTSD ‘fawn’ or collapse response. Which means we give it over in deference to the aggressive person who totally overwhelms our boundaries inwardly and outwardly just as my nephew did on Friday and Monday.

My own Mars is very ‘weak’ being overpowered by Saturn in my birthdchart, and the current Mars aspect to Pluto shows for many of us Mars actions and ways of confronting or asserting our inner selves may be up for awareness and transformation currently. This is the waning square in a larger cycle that began with a conjunction of Mars and Pluto in Capricorn on 26th of April, 2018 exactly 8 days after I first connected with ‘Scott’. In one post I just read on this conjunction it called it the ‘take it now’ conjunction. Wow! He certainly did! Pluto also relates to coercion and corruption.

I am aware of how Mars can either be assertive or aggressive or it can be passive aggressive if we were not allowed to be direct and know what it really is we wanted to go for. If we aren’t allowed to be overtly angry with someone we may assert that anger in surreptitious ways.

I recognise the deep guilt I so often carry over my own actions and needs and desires at times. At times it is almost as if an inner killer will not give my true self ‘permission’ to live and be happy. Maybe I relate more to the awful state of feeling ground down, disempowered, unhappy, negative or unsupported than self aware positively assertive and self championing. I look to others or outside myself for validation that needs to come from within. Anyway I am learning. That is all I can say, progress is for me, at times, painfully slow with two steps forward and three back but at least as long as I am not collapsing or fawning all the time, I guess I am making progress.