Searching my soul

It was so nice to be with others this weekend, it gave me a respite from living inside my head. Things my nephew said : that I was vain and self seeking for looking for love with someone overseas and sending lot of money run around in my head. I search my soul to see if there was some truth in it, whether looking outside of myself was in some way seeking an escape from the realities of my life at that point. There could be some truth in that, that said I believed the connection was genuine when, now that I look back, I see there were red flags all the way and my naivety made me vulnerable. I guess I can only live and learn but as I felt the pain of it all churning around inside my body felt very sore I just encouraged myself to stay with that. I prayed to God for it to be revealed where I am living in truth and where in self delusion. One of the other painful things he said was I needed “to get my shit together”, see I could just not say this to another person.

I guess there are times when the pain from all of this is only naturally going to churn up in me and become acute. Now the contact with Scott has completely ended its a relief but I find myself living within a very different reality. I am vowing to make the best of this knowing that only honesty, willingness and open mindedness can help as well as acceptance of where I did things that were ultimately destructive for me so that I can learn new ways. I have to be pretty much committed to going on alone right now.

Some of the darkness and emptiness that I felt earlier after returning from my reunion breakfast has passed now. It always takes me some time after these kind of event to come back inside my skin and let go of the sadness of knowing I wont see those people again for a long while. A little reminder of how when Judy left when I was 3 after the huge wedding felt for me. And of all the other times I had to leave her after coming home from holidays in Sydney but maybe this is a central soul lesson for me, learning to live inside and like my own skin, to realise that my inner life, higher power and nature are my true ‘sources’ of life, light, love and power, rather than other people. For our connections with each other come and go, healthy relationships allow for both connection and distance, togetherness and separateness and we cannot always fully know what goes on deep inside the recesses of another’s heart and soul as that truth is for them to know. In the end the relationship with our own insides and spiritual lessons is ours to figure out which can only be done if we are willing to be honest.