Rest inside my heart

Sometimes it can be hard to find a resting place inside our own heart, especially when the word of others wound. I have realised over the past few days what an uplifting force mercy is, as opposed to judgement which seems to bang down hard upon our hearts with its heavy gavel. Being told something you have done is unforgiveable is like being consigned to a kind of prison of torment and hell and since were are powerless of what others make of us its best to realise that this is an opinion from outside of us. That said to lose the love of someone we loved and be told we have hurt them beyond forgiveness is painful, deeply painful and there is no way around that.

That said at times what is thrown upon us is not fair, it may be coming out of the other person’s wounds too. I always think a lack of mercy shows a lack of empathy and compassion. But judgements may also trigger a fundamental wound in us, one that we may be trying our best to live with and hurt to be reminded of.

I am going post a post following this one taken from a reading by Tian Dayton which speaks of how unfelt unrecognised wounds can lead us to repetitive experience of trauma or re-experiencing with the purpose of bringing that wound to the surface so that we can feel it and take care of it. I was given a reading too today by my higher power which spoke of working to manage my own feelings of abandonment which sadly are always very close to the surface with me. I found myself just spontaneously bursting into tears yesterday after Jasper and I were shooed away from the place where we were connecting with a man in the oval at the local grounds. The tears just came and it felt like a knife had come down severing us from connection, perhaps it reiterated how it felt this week to be shut out of a person’s life and condemned at the same time of being thick in the process of finally acknowledging I have been lied to, tricked and betrayed. I have to hold this pain very skilfully at the moment for at times the pain in my heart is enormous.

One blessing has been to have my school reunion occupying three days over the weekend. I have only managed 9 hours sleep in the past two days but I fronted up to three of the events and made some connections. At times I still very much felt on the outside with all of my trauma. I felt it may have been a heavy experience talking to me about my trauma but others did share their own traumas with me too over the weekend as well as their happinesses and lives. I came away feeling that it had been difficult at times to bond but at other times I had bonded or connected over things special to my own heart, like poetry and nature and birds and art.

I came home just a while ago and took Jasper for a walk around the block. I came into the house and felt a little empty after it all. I found my energy had gone out into the world and my heart had opened up. It was kind of nice to come home but at times I felt a darkness too. I am drawing as close as I can to my higher power this weekend. I got a lovely reading coming to me last night from Marianne Williamson on how mercy uplifts us when we have fallen where as judgement keeps is ground down and buried in a pile of repressive energy. I also recognised on the weekend after talking about trauma what a damaged world view trauma can leave us with. If trust is obliterated by someone when we risked opening our hearts the wound inflicted will often cause us to shut down again in protection and yet if we can open our hearts to ourselves and have the courage to feel what is going on there instead of shutting it all out with our ego mind maybe we can integrate the pain and grow in self knowledge. And then maybe we can make the choice to accept and find ways to be happy or self soothe in the midst of it, instead of grinding the wound in deeper when we fail to love and care for our heart in a merciful way.