Mistakes along the journey!

After being almost torn to pieces again today by all the comments my nephew made (none of which I had not thought about myself any way) somehow I managed to come back together and I even fronted up for painful dental work that I had been putting off for several years. I cried while they gave me the needle as pain coming into my body reminds me of the shattered mechanical car pieces lodging deep inside my tissue all those years ago in 1979 and tonight the class of 79 has the first portion of their 40 year reunion. It will be a big one for me as I never made it through the final term crashing as I did in mid September of that year and being confined to a hospital bed for the next 101 days in skeletal traction.

I missed the final few months. I missed my graduation. I can still see the blue dress with silver sequins I picked out just prior to the accident for my formal that I never got to wear. I never got to go through that passage way. My final day of schooling was a Friday afternoon.

I will be glad to go tonight after the day I have had. I will put my ideas of being a failure behind me. My nephew told me today that unlike him I have not worked hard to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, that hits a core wound for me. I feared coming unstuck from success anyway due to all the tragedy I saw my family undergo in the 1980s and all the other painful things that went down that he was not around for like my sister’s attempted suicide.

I could be thinking I am not good enough but I am sick of judging. This latest spate of judgement from him shows me where judgement leaves me at. I would rather look on life with compassion. I would rather not be carrying around a shit load of anger over the things I cannot change. In the end my life has been full of trauma and tragedy and failings but I cannot help but think of the tale of Artaban that is told in the book on Mercury retrograde (I have Mercury at 16 degrees Aquarius in square to natal Neptune).

Arataban is entrusted with 3 jewels that I believe he is told to take to the three wise men. Along the way on his journey Artaban meets 3 separate people in need and each time he gives away a jewel. When he collapses to the ground after failing to get to his allotted destination Artaban hears the voice of God telling how precious and loved he is, rather than the failure he believes himself to be. He may have failed in the central task but all along the way he had a good heart and showed compassion and tried to help his fellow man. I would rather take that approach to recent events.

How was I to know a scammer was a scammer? Maybe I was a stupid fool as my nephew claims or maybe this was just another in a long line of failures or mistakes that are at the same time critical lessons. I don’t know I need to go get ready now. But one thing I am grateful for tonight I have my two arms and legs. I can breathe and I haven’t had my 5 pm panic attack yet. So even if I felt shattered earlier, tonight I can get in my car and drive to meet my old friends at my 40 year reunion, so today is still proving to be a good day.