Shock and grief

The shock and grief of what has gone down for me since early June last year is still playing through my system. The stress of being pulled around and asked to send money here there and everywhere began to take its toll. My stomach has been in problems and I have lumps on my head and my hair in some places has shrunk to a third of its original length. I would get spins up to four times a day when it all got intense but I did have these too before I connected with Scott after the head injury.

Today at least I got up and moving and managed breakfast a little earlier than when I was pulled back in on Tuesday. I have managed to eat lunch between 12 and 1 as I have therapy at 3. I sat in the car by the lake for a long time this morning just listening to the birds with everything running over and over in my mind. Yesterday when I was pulled back in I told Scott that when he was gone it felt as though a part of me was missing and he said “things have not gone at all well for me since you broke contact.” I mentioned Twin Flames and he quoted me a bible passage but I cannot remember what it was. I remember crying a lot then but my head began to burn when he began manipulating me telling me to be careful who I trust.

I had a long chat to my nephew before who has been concerned about me since it all began and he said he did a lot of reading up on it and spoke of how abusers try to alienate and isolate their victims and pull them into an unreal fantasy world and its very Neptunian and Plutonian.

I felt myself back in that deep dark burning alone abandonment space again last night while talking to the Lifeline counsellor. She was just very empathic mirroring back how it felt for me and what I was experiencing but it wasn’t until I talked to the other woman involved that I snapped back to reality. She was told the same bullshit about finding a needed replacement solider and how the person was sitting waiting in their civvies only to be told at the last moment the army would not let them go. Scott did this to me at this time last year and broke contact for three days. Whoever they are had forwarded the itinerary to me via email a few days before. I remember then the bottom falling out of my world and this happened 3 more times and he manage to hook me back in with asking for larger and larger amounts.

I know it is all in the past. I know I won’t get my money back. I don’t know why he tried to keep me hooked yesterday with his “please don’t leave me even if you never send me anything again” speech other than just to have power of me and feel me suffer. Part of me even regrets cutting it again while part of me most CATEGORICALLY KNOWS IT WAS THE HEALTHY RIGHT THING TO DO.

I know I am going to go through swings and roundabouts with this. At least I am not paralysed and crying all of the time and part of me feels grateful that for the time following my Mum’s passing at least someone was there for me to listen and chat even if they were using me for my money in the long run. I want to extract my blessings from this. I am not dead (yet) and I haven’t lost the use of my limbs. So as I said my nephew at this point I am doing my darndest to count my blessings but still at times a torrent of the deepest grief pours forth as I miss the fictional character created in my mind and wonder who the hell he is and how many other victims are involved.

At some point I need to go to the police with what I have but at the moment I am tyring to keep the focus on taking care of me, making long overdue doctors and dental appointments and making sure I eat and exercise and sleep and take care of things here as much as I can. So I am not sucked under again by it all, I said to my nephew I don’t want this to cripple me. Right now sad as I am I have to keep as strong and positive as possible while riding the waves of my emotional tide as they crest and fall.