Hard as it is

Hard as it is narcissists and emotionally damaged people do seek out the vulnerable. They have a radar for it. I am reviewing the earliest contact with Scott. His first words to me were “I only want to love and be loved.” Then asked if I ‘wanted to meet the man of my dreams who would always be there”. I remember thinking that was ‘off’ but it was a complete hook in as I shared how alone I have been for most of my life without fundamental support. Slowly over time he fed the illusion that he was a ‘trapped’ soldier who had been scammed himself by someone on Okay Cupid who had asked for his credit details which led to the blocking of his account. The weird thing is that very early on he sent me a bank statement from the USAAA Saving Bank in San Antonio showing he had over 800 000 in the account. Who does that? (Was this containing scammer funds all along. His name was on it but no address at all. I am sure it was a mock up.)

All along when asking for money he told me ‘remember this money is not coming to me, its on loan and I am paying it back”, and “money is not your problem and its not mine either.” That said when as I test I told him I may need to sell my house if he didn’t repay it he told me he didn’t want that to happen. It was hellish confusing all the way along and its easier to see things in retrospect.

I started Kim Saeed’s narcissist abuse recovery programme today get wise to what has gone down. I know its all linked to early attachment trauma. Kim explains the dynamics of the narc as well as the symptoms of the abuse syndrome which isn’t even featured in the DSM. She explains the biochemistry and how the narcissist pulls you in only to pull the rug out later, gaslighting and getting you to doubt your own worth. Its all very calculated and narcissists are clever as they are great psychologists. Scott was never nasty with me at all and when I would ‘lash’ out he always said it was his fault and apologised but the truth is if I was not so attuned to not getting my needs met and had better boundaries I would never have stuck it out so long. But as my therapist said today this had to play out in exactly this way until I found my own answer. Which I only did with the help of another ‘victim.’

I feel stronger and more grounded in reality today. On the way to therapy it was a case of funny synchronicity that Richard Mark’s song Should Have Known Better came on the radio. The irony was not lost on me. That said I learned a lot from this and I will be more savvy in the future. The deep burning abandonment place I ended in up again last night is so familiar to me but while I was in it I surrendered to it fully and allowed it to burn out it did pass. On some level I always feel I am to blame for what goes down and yes naivety and a deep wish to be loved played a huge part, but those are very human needs and not in any way a sign of something wrong with me. It took real courage to keep opening my heart to be hurt again and keep giving which is the key mistake me make with the empty well of the narcissist. That was painful but also what it was. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.