I have come through and I am hurting but okay

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who have been there for me as I have faced these last painful days. I know the feeling of wanting to die and that I am all alone will come and go. I am struggling hard to hold onto a sense of my own goodness even though part of me is disappointed with myself that I could not cut out of this scam far earlier and truly taken off my blinkers to see it for what it was. I persisted in romantic illusions.

I am sorry to those who tried to point it out but as I just shared in therapy I had to work this out for myself but to do so I needed the help of that other person who also got caught up in this terrible mess. So i owe her a lot.

I had therapy today so I am working through my feelings the best I can. My lonely childhood is around me like a ghost many days. I know what I endured over years will never fully leave me. In the chaos and emotionally barren desert I grew up I foundered. Seeking answers also caused pain and separated me from those I loved or tried to love. It bought me to connecting with someone who would only take me deeper into that emptiness and original wound. But here that emptiness receeds when I give and receive love by those truly capable of it and by bearing witness to the raw truth of the journey with others who do too.

I take great comfort from those who affirm my strength and love me within my very real human vulnerability and weakness.

There are huge lessons coming out of this for me. I hope to be braver in the future but I took risks all along knowing it was highly likely I could be deeply hurt. I did what I did and got what I got. The best I can offer is facing up and doing my level best to go forward even with the pain in my heart this has caused. Thank you for reading caring and all your beautiful comments. I owe you guys my life and sanity. 💖