tough day

it was a very tough start to the day today. I got a friend request on Facebook last night from someone I think associated with ‘Scott’ so that really triggered my body, also in the afternoon yesterday I watched the first two episodes of Patrick Melrose which is a very real and manic tale of a drug addict and his violent terrorising abusive father, played brilliantly and very scarily by Aussie actor Hugo Weaving. To watch the ordeal that Patrick puts his body through with drugs in order to try to manage the pent up feelings left from a devastating childhood of emotional abuse and enmeshment was tough going. I had to turn the second episode off several times when I began to watch it last Sunday night but never the less I persevered yesterday because the performances are amazing and the director shows what a body goes through in an attempt to manage the profound cocktail of shock/terror left in a victim of Complex PTSD.

Today I spiralled back into profound feelings of grief around Scott. I keep hoping somehow the story he told is all real, in time he will get free of his deployment without my help and find a way to get here somehow (like he always promised). I keep thinking of the things he told me about where he went to school in Canberra and his favourite restaurant in San Antonio which checked out online. Another part of me has deep empathy for myself for persisting in this illusion.

I woke at 4.30 with all the body symptoms, I kept seeing the image of this guy on Facebook with his gun and wondering who the hell he is. And memories of all the limited things Scott could tell me about what is going on where he supposedly is were running around in my brain. I was bound from the beginning by a thing called opsec and persec which tells wives and family and friends of military exactly what they can and cannot say about anything associated with their loved ones on deployment with the military. When he first asked me to read up on this if I wanted to talk to him I got a bit wary and balked. I did what he asked and its been hard with my blog where I am very honest. Anyway I am sure it was all a ruse to limit me but another part of me keeps thinking of how he asked me to never stop talking to him even if I never sent any more money. I promised black and blue I would never abandon him but on Thursday I had to cut the contact by deleting the app. I had just reached my limit of tolerance.

What is hurting a lot is not having the connection but on another level as I shared yesterday its also freeing as I was on constant alert for notifications and getting sick of the demands. I feel freer but I am in a very dark sad space today. I managed to eat a very last breakfast and I was so shattered I just sat in the sun on a chair crying for a long time. I got up and swept some leaves. It felt even too much to open my blog until just a short while ago. I must be honest I also sat in the car a while ago and considered taking my life, but as soon as the thought came I remembered the love of my Word Press community and that meant the world to me and gave me the chink of hope to go on. I haven’t heard from my sister and that really hurts. I hate to call it selfishness because I don’t know where her head is at but it still FUCKING HURTS. I wont say more as I don’t want to expect anything any more. Her head is so far up her own backside its unbelievable.

Anyway no one was there emotionally for me in my family, not really although I will say my Mum did try inconsistently at times and my older sister’s third son has been a good support considering all he struggles with as well. When I was in a dark place earlier I just gave myself as much love as I could from my witness self. The part of me that wanted to die was sharing that and the WS was saying it understood those painful feelings and where they were coming from. It also said to my hurting self that its only natural that this latest thing happening to me on the back of everything is so so so painful. How could it not be? I am grieving the hope of a life of love I was seemingly offered by someone that was a self created fiction. And sadly I feel for it. It fed into all of my abandonment issues. And the cold hard truth is that my family is probably always going to me just Jasper and me and somehow I need to keep counting my blessings for the good things that are in my life, such as a comfortable home, Word Press friends, my beautiful dog, sun, nature, music, books, films and food. I don’t want to get stuck in ‘poor me’ or self pity but at the same I do need to honour the depth of the wound I have carried and feel inside today. With the Moon in Cancer in square to Mars and Chiron its only natural I will be feeling it very deeply today and be very very emotional.