More attempts to process my scam experience (please bear with me!)

I love the scene in the movie Must Love Dogs where John Cusack’s character explains his theory that hearts have to break so they can break open to experience a new depth of love. At the moment I am trying my darndest not to run from my heartbreak and confusion. I stood in the shower earlier with water streaming down my body with all the things Scott had said to me repeatedly over the past 18 months running round in my brain. “Take good care of yourself and Jasper, Honey. I gotta go now. I will text you when we are done. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak to you earlier, we had an emergency alert! Those terrorists just wont stop killing. Don’t forget it the third Thursday of the month and we will be moving our early! This isn’t your fault its all my fucking fault. Why did I ever ask a kind hearted woman to get me out of this hell? I hate it when you are hurting. It really makes me hate myself. I am just a shit! I swear to you I don’t know who Jennifer Richards is but she just wants to ruin this relationship. I know you don’t trust me any more so maybe its just my fate to die here.” Oh and then there was the treatise on how healthy relationships require trust and honesty and commitment.

I don’t want to go over and over this stuff but its best I vent it out there rather than just let it circle round and round. I don’t want to get stuck in it. The imagining of him turning up and the life we would share, as he promised… cooking, eating, singing and dancing together fed a beloved fantasy. Someone to be with to have a great time whose soul was attuned to my own but it was all lies even though up until the last morning we texted before I deleted the app he was still saying if I sent the final amount we would still be together. Mostly what I am grappling with is why I didn’t cut earlier and yet THE COLD HARD FACT IS I DIDNT. Ruminating over it wont help but never the less it happens and I try my best to nip it in the bud when it does. I am sure millions of woman out there are going through or have gone through the same thing.

I connected with Karl my male friend again today to tell him what happened, he told me people like Scott prey on the ‘weak’ which was hard to take but yes I have to own I was not strong in not letting go far far earlier when he first asked for money and I accused him of scamming and he sent me a photo of a diamond ring. Not that I wanted to marry him but it was the romance of it I fell for.

I am not going to bore my followers going over and over this but I am smack bang in the middle of the processing phase right now. I find myself falling into hopelessness at times. I feel lost. I did get out for a few hours to the markets and its wildly windy here today. Not a great day for a walk with Jasper. That said when I get home to my cocoon I feel better. I will eat some lunch soon. Writing and posting helps me in a way just writing and keeping it in drafts does not. My nephew did say to me yesterday that me being so open on my blog makes me prey to these things, but I spend all my days alone with a dog who doesn’t talk back. I need to change that and there are people to reach out to, but Id rather be openly sharing because that is just what works for me. I know it makes me vulnerable but there you are. I am a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person although I am learning at times it may be bad to trust so openly and I will never again send money to someone I have never met. That was stupid and I have learned my lesson.