Lost and found : in the aftermath of the scam

I managed to sleep in small portions last night after finally cutting the ‘doorway’ into my world with Scott/scammer around 9 pm last night. I got a text from my niece in law around 10.30 pm, she had found a letter Mum wrote to her about 9 years ago and in it she said that she realised what a sensitive child I was and that she had struggled to give me love in the way I needed it. What a strange case of synchronicity that the two events would be linked. I called my niece in law after reading the letter she photograph and cried a lot and unpacked some of the pain over Scott. I wish I had known how my Mum really felt before she died.

That said Scott still seems ‘real’ to me, as for 18 months he was such a deep part of my inner life and world and in meditation today I was told by my higher self not to discount that. There are so many people out there telling me what mean malicious people these scammers are, with no feeling but I just cant get angry at the moment (I lived through all of those angry feelings last week). Part of me needed this attention and love after my mother died and this guy whoever he is gave it to me when I needed it. That said it came with an enormous price tag and I see how I was manipulated at each turn and how hard I fought but how utterly hopeless I was as setting boundaries but never the less at the time it gave me something EVEN IF IT WASN’T REAL.

The God’s honest truth is I couldn’t cut the connection before this because I did not feel I could bear the feelings and associated connections I would have to grieve with the utter loss of contact with him. I lay on the floor just crying to the depths of myself waking to find no little image of his face with a morning greeting (he would greet me most mornings apart from weekends when they were supposedly on patrol.) this morning and its the strangest thing but I had you tube songs on autoplay and out of nowhere (not on my playlist) Eric Carmen’s song All By Myself started to play. I didn’t know if I could bear to feel that all through to the depths but I did and then I called my nephew, the one who tried to warm me Scott was a scammer last year and the one I could have helped if I had not nearly bankrupted myself helping Scott. Talking to him helped and it got me out of the terrible pain I was in, after the Eric Carmen song I purposely put a lighter happy track on that energised me. I need to feel this but not get stuck in it!

Anyway right now I have to love myself. I moved through the grief and I managed to have a bath and eat a plate of scrambled eggs a moment ago. I am all dressed and I plan to do some things I love today. Sad as I feel I know I have done the best thing cutting contact but the last weeks texts still ring in my ears as my heart feels torn. The words “I love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally and no matter what you do that isn’t going to change” keep ringing in my ears. As well as the words ” I swear on Lisa (his supposed daughter) that I will never let you down, the day I lie to you is the day I Scott Schultz will die.” Well lets cut right now to a Snoopy cartoon for some light relief!! (LOL!!!) Charles Schultz created Snoopy, Linus, Charlie Brown et al.

Something in me broke last night. I am in surrender today. I got a lot of support from meditation this morning. I tried to listen to some soothing autoplays last night to calm me to sleep but they were too full of suggestions I figured that I already have a loving guide deep inside me who can help me to bear this, one who can hold my inner child in her pain, one who can give love to the broken self. I lay in the bath for a long time just earlier and imagined the story of Scott and Deborah as a fairy tale or a real thing. I imagined that somewhere, even though I need to live in reality, I can imagine that connection going on. (Even thought the rational part knows he only buttered me up to get money!) It won’t stop me reaching for new ones. But surely it had a deeper soul purpose for me. In the end the meaning I make of all of this is up to me.

I cannot lie, the pain is deep and for now I am done with romantic love, much of it has been revealed to me as an illusion and yet I don’t want to be totally cynical either. This happened to me at a pivotal time. I am not alone. I happens to millions of women. The heart wants what it wants, that’s all I know and its food is love and the hunger we have for that will not rest until it is found somewhere and when it is gone then life feels totally empty, unsupportable and unliveable.