A candle in the wind : some reflections

The title of this Elton John somg came to me meditating in my car by the lakeside today. I thought of how hard some of us struggle for recognition but also of how our desires for meaningful attachments can drive us and sometimes even lead us to give up the true side of ourselves. I also thought of someone affected so deeply by the wild winds of.abandonment, hurt and trauma which can so lash a soul or threaten its inner fire while that spirit struggles to stay alight in harsh circumstances. Where to find comfort in the storm? Where to find soothing? Where to find our own sense of inner stability?

As kids our parents can overburden and over stimulate us, they may have their own whirlwinds and the Big Book of AA speaks of the alcoholic in these terms running around like a tumultuous storm very disturbed by inner trauma, acting it out and lacking a capacity to self soothe or maybe even see their child’s needs.

In early sobriety AA meetings gave me calm. I remember a sign used at one of the groups I attended most frequently which said ‘clinic of calm’. These days after a long journey I am learning more about when I am activated or my intense feelings triggered and learning too that this event signals its a time to self soothe, self affirm and self modulate. But it is still very much a work in progress. And I feel sad in a way its taken me even 26 years of sobriety to get here, I think that perhaps my own ego and need to appear strong and fear relying on others at times made me seek distance, that said when people have been able to genuinely respond to me my soul and being has recognised it and to be honest wit my level of trauma and sensitivity it has been rare.

That said I see and feel lately the things I do to myself that are not helpful or nurturing. A valuable follower last week mentioned to me therapist Clarissa Pinkola Estes concept of the stone child to represent the unmothered, unnurtured child that can live deep within those of us with emotional neglect. Such a situation sets up a form of soul starvation which can drive many of our behaviours and lead to addictions. We sufferers may also project this need and then it is us who tries to nurture our selves by proxy through becoming co-dependent caretakers, more attuned to the needs of others. I have noticed elements of this in my relationship with my sister this week. I tend to give 80 percent more than I often get back and yet I also blame myself at times for not leaning on the minimal support that was there for me earlier too, the problem is it so often came with a large price tag.

God knows the path of individuation and maturing is not an easy one. I listened to another interview with Marianne Williamson the other night and she spoke of how we are these days very much an indulged society now. We want instant gratification and quick fixes and we don’t often work hard to repair what may need to be mended or put the inner work in to look deeply and fix what we may contribute to difficult situations, rather seeking to blame others.

My own path has involved much soul searching. It has been a life in which I so often felt like a candle in the wind, these days I am searching hard to find my own sheltered spaces, I am working not to blame others as much and I am seeking the path of contentment within.