Sitting in sadness : today’s reflections

There is a deep river of sadness inside me today, an ocean really. The events of the past week have been cataclysmic, they have shown me aspects of myself I needed to see. Scott and I have to accept he will remain on his deployment now, actions I took mean no more money wil ever go through and I took the decision to stop helping then try again only to have it blocked and a very convoluted mess has resulted. Its one I cannot fix and I am not prepared to be put through more. At this stage we both have to face going on alone.

I woke at about 3.30 am going through something incredibly intense in my body this morning. I listened to a meditation on relaxing and letting go and drifted off to wake around 12 am with my body on fire and the phone burning hot. Sleeping with a mobile phone on next to me is not what I normally do. I managed to settle back to sleep after being pulled around at 3.30 am only to awake about 8.15 am with all that intense energy gathering at the base of my neck in the trauma zone. It took some time to eat and I sat in the car going through all the symptoms of being trapped while reminding myself that I am now in 2019 not 1979. That said I think picking my sister up, getting her settled and going to lunch took a toll yesterday, she didn’t engage for a lot of the time but that is understandable. Before she left the hospital we had to wait around while they sorted her medications, she is on about 6 different ones right now. I say nothing much about it any more.

One thing we did speak about was how the genesis of this ‘disturbance’ of her bi polar began to escalate on the back of a traumatic move up north and a traumatic peri menopause that saw her start to bleed so profusely she had to have a hysterectomy. Mum had one when I was about 3 or 4 and I also started to bleed heavily at 44 years but I got acupuncture at that time to deal with it. The hormonal shifts of mid life for women are rocky enough without all of the trauma and stress as well as the emotional abandonment of a partner leaving which we have both endured. This came up when we were talking about a friend of hers who never calls much and lost her Mum recently but has the support of a very kind and lovely husband. My brother in law was an adult child of a Mum with alcoholism and his brother died from the disease, my brother in law is a beautiful guy but he could not cope with illness nor the intense driven perfectionism of my sister, nor the deep depression she fell into on the back of the hysterectomy.

The issue that also came up yesterday was about the time she was tricked into going into the psyche facility in Melbourne. I have always felt angry at my nephews for doing this to her but my sister believes that at that time she was ‘on a high’. I asked her what that means to her? She said “I just wasn’t well” and no she was at that time on an intense trajectory after her husband left and she had to sell up and Mum convinced her to come back to Canberra. I choose to see that in a different way and I know the super charge of anxiety that drove Mum for a lot of her life and that we never got nurtured or learned to be kind or bodies or follow natural rhythms, in our family it was all about work work work and not much joy or happiness or laughter or time for play. Is it any wonder I sit around crying so much when I should be out there enjoying life and having fun? I get these rages when I get abandoned and that has pushed partners away and they have not understood my grief nor the confusion that underlay it but in the end THAT WAS NOT THEIR JOB : IT WAS MINE!!.

That said I am so glad I have had therapy and the benefit of 12 step recovery. I am so glad I don’t have to medicalise my psychological ailments. I see them purely from emotional. spiritual and mental levels interweaving into a complex tapestry and from the collective level too. I know all the trauma in the world at the moment just didn’t spring up unannounced, it came from the working out of actions taken over a long period from when life first emerged from the ocean of the single celled beings that eventually evolved into humans.

At times it is very right that I cry for what has gone done in my life and Marianne Williamson reminds us that our sadness serves a purpose for us. The sadness is there to teach us about what we and others do that hurts and needs to be set aside so we can embrace true peace, love, light freedom, healing and joy. It is us humans who set up hell on earth, not God. It is our separation from love that brings tears and grief serves its healing purpose just as Paul Ferrini reminds us in the quote I posted in the last offering on my site. I am still in my emerging process. I am still breaking out of that restrictive dark shell of my collective familial inheritance. I am still in process. The way the rest of my life is going to turn out is all up to how much love, light, wisdom, healing and grace I can extract from my lessons and actions and reactions. This requires I keep my heart open and my head wise to when I am tempted to act out in fear and betray the good in life that just wants to open up its myriad blessings to me. And today I give all my past mistakes to God and pray for a miracle. I trust it is possible to find one at any time, through change of perspective