A conversation with fear

I am here as a reminder of something you long for but also have the memory of failing at. I will whisper things in your ear to keep you on your toes. I know that as long as I keep binding up your energy in constant rumination you will never be free to take action on the desires that fill you with dread as well as anticipation. I am a heavy feeling like lead that comes when a need of yours is denied that echoes past ones but if you stay locked in the past pain you cannot be free in this moment. Often too I would rather that you are busy I remind you that its impossible to sit with the intense body sensations left as a residue of trauma inside of you and yet the truth is that if you can be strong enough to hold very still in the vibrational ‘burn’ of past feelings become traumatic residue in time those residues will become more fully conscious and also burn up under the watchful gaze of the loving witness who has the strength to remain and shine on your pain the full light of presence.

At times I come to protect you from your own feelings and I cause you to become angry when I trigger feelings of deep powerlessness as well as memories of being violated from your past. When you lash out from this place no one really wins because you are not facing and holding firm to experience the arrow going in in order to know better next time how to step clear or avoid too much interaction with the one who launched it at you. As long as you get trapped in defensive ‘reaction’ that will only keep functioning to keep you ‘bound’ in a frustrating if oh so familiar ‘trauma bond.’

I often keep you trapped in repetitive negative feedback loops to do with the old script of ‘deprivation’ which is one that you are most particularly familiar with. If life was to offer you another ‘alternative; you may be less likely to take it due to the fact it doesn’t feel familiar. I do not always lie to you and sometimes I am a reminder of where it is better you do not go and of who you are better off not to engage with, knowing it will only end in hurt. The problem comes when you argue with the reality of what goes down and pray that magically it will transform. Doing this is your own particular version of ‘insanity’ : doing the same thing over and over to expect a different result, keeping going back to the empty well for water. Over time I teach you to trust your gut and exercise your intuition and discretion over what is beneficial and not beneficial for your ongoing life.