All over the place

My energy has been very mixed over this long weekend. I was trying to adapt to the different expressions of energy in my sister with her elevation of mood the week before, only to feel her happiness and sense of ‘being back in herself’ shift back into self doubt, helplessness and negativity yesterday. I struggled to know how best to help, I tried to offer her solutions or new ways of looking at her worries the principal ones “how will I know what to cook myself when I get out of here” and “I have put on so much weight (from the meds) I just look terrible.” While appreciating what may be underlying them. I believe she was seeing her doctor at 3 pm today so I will give her a call later to see how she is.

The whole thing just makes me sad at times. I notice the things that bring my energy back into present time. I got into bed at about 3 pm to have a rest a while ago which is not something I often do but just prior to this I had a conversation with my older sister’s second son’s wife and we covered a lot of the trauma of my sis because my nephew has been having nightmares related to the trauma of his mother but using the image of his youngest son who is the age now that my nephew was when lot of painful things went down. I was able to offer my belief that its coming up now because Christian is now the age my nephew was then, something I have learned in recovery from multigenerational addiction.

I try to keep the focus on my own life, while being there for others. Sometimes my life seems personally a bit barren when I look at what others have, relationships, jobs and children and yet my life is not really barren. My inner life is rich but there is frustration at times that I never got that far away from the trauma of my past. My critic tells me all the time that up til now I have only been a ‘prisoner of childhood’ and yet I have been sober nearly 26 years now. I still get affected by the illness in my family and I probably always will. I may always wish that it could be different but in the end I have to accept its taken this long to come to terms with my past. It takes what is takes. I still cry sometimes though with wishing it was different and feel sad for beating myself up for the struggle I have had to break free to my own life. Certain memories I will never be free of. Certain pains will never be gone and yet I know joy too at times. Its probably the time of year too. Very close to the anniversary of my Dad’s illness and my mother’s death. Maybe this too is the reason that lately, I feel all at sea.