When feelings become monstrous

My feelings at times feel too big for my body..which calls to mind a favourite song by John Mayer. Today I felt monstrous murderous feelings and they may either have been historic or ancestral too. I don’t feel they were all mine.

I remember dreaming when very young of my Mum shapeshifting into the body of an evil angry witch. It was enlightening to learn when I got sober from speaking to Mum she had a painful hysterectomy at this time so her hormones were probably all over the place and kids lack nuances for feelings parents act out and cant explain.

I dont know how many of you have seen the movie A Monster Calls but it shows how when a young boy is struggling with coming to terms with a critically ill mother a monster appears threatening destruction and chaos almost as if the boy dreamed him up but also teaching him lessons about grief, fear, loss of control and anger.

Its something Donald Kalached addresses in his book on childhood trauma The Inner World of Trauma. How monsters appear and inner protector figures too to keep the isolated traumatised inner child safe, even from beneficial help. For the seriously tramatised they may build a wall of fire that helpers such as therapists and friends and even lovers cannot get through.

Young kids need adult help mediating their intense bodily felt feelings and many adults are not attuned to all spectrums of emotion having had to shut them down in some way especially sadness fear or anger and so such feeling appear ‘bad’ and religions such as Catholicism and stoicism dont help us here collectively.

The intense feeling person often becomes the family shadow carrier or scapegoat, sent out to the metaphorical ice desert. Alone they struggle knowing deep inside their feelings mean something important but not always knowing how to make sense of how others treat or fear or demonise or sideline them. They may be carrying stuff for everyone or trying to express qualities gone underground into the family shadow.

If they seem monstrous feelings are asking something of us like fire breathing dragons with thorns in their feet there is something going on deep inside that needs attention, some feelings or instincts we need to understand, befriend and show compassion to. For many if us with unintegrated trauma they need to be integrated felt and humanised over time and with a lotof help from a helpful therapist or inner witness figure that helps us make sense of them.