A time of change (calling a spade a spade!)

Maybe because it is spring, maybe because my sister is coming out of her lock down I have been feeling more energy to move forward. Waking is a time of day for me that is fraught with peril and it depends on the kind of sleep I have but body symptoms usually engage me, I am working to concentrate more on my breath lately and doing some of the things recommended by Nancy Napier in her book on living with childhood trauma.

Today I got triggered by the cleaner coming. I was sitting outside while he was vacuuming and I immediately flashed back to being locked out of the house while Mum was on a cleaning ‘binge’. These used to happen regularly and my mother seemed so pent up and angry during them. I concentrated on my breath but noticed all of these murderous feelings coming up towards my Mum from my inner child of the past. I then did some angry writing to get the energy ‘out’. My breathing then calmed. I reminded my inner child it was 2019 not 1967,8 or 9.

I am an adult now but after it all died down I thought of how sad and furious Mum was with her own mother. She told me many times of how she would cry while being forced to stand on a stool ironing sheets swearing “when I grow up I am NEVER going to iron sheets” and that was just the half of it. She also told me once Nana put her head through the wall, “but I understood she was alone and just so frustrated.” After this I had a good talk to my inner child saying its okay to have angry feelings. Its not a sign of anything ‘bad’ with her and that as kids we are subjected to all kinds of things we feel powerless or angry over. She seemed calm and reassured by this but after the cleaner left to go I experienced an emotional storm never the less as i thought of all the OCD issues in my family of origin.

My brother also called yesterday. I got all excited thinking it may be to see how I was but it was about financial matters to do with Mum’s will. I explained some painful things that went down in the past with my mother and sister over the coast house Dad built for us all, being told I wasnt wanted there after Jonathan left me. I told him I find it painful to visit the place as a result and will be glad for my second sister’s older son to take over the responsiblity for it. I give over now because it was not fun living there and undergoing a relationship with someone else who got to be a bit emotionally abusive. I need to make a fresh start in my life away from old triggering environments. But even when I write those lines part of me feels it should not matter. I should be able to get over it. This is the ongoing dilemma I have with an emotionally unresponsive family.

I will be glad to get to therapy in an hour and a half. Monday’s session was intense and I have been integrating so much, then Karl turning up at 2 pm on that day was bizarre its so weird, too how interconnected everything is as he is working construction at a property on Mugga Way just up the road from me and that is where the ‘big’ house my Dad and brother had to build when the builder turned bankrupt is located. And Karl is a Virgo like my Dad… just bizarre and turns up when Venus is squaring Pluto. Moving there was painful and lonely for me. Sue got sent to stay with Nana in the cosy house, I slept on a stretcher bed at the end of Mum and Dads in a huge cold room with concrete flaws all through the middle of a cold cold bitter winter. I don’t remember a lot but I do remember taking refuge in Mary Poppin’s books. I prayed she would appear by magic and spirit me away.

On the other side of things there is the money issue with Scott and that is mirroring the pressure my brother put my father over over money back in the 1980s on the back of all the trauma with my older sister being abandoned and sent home with a one day ticket after her partner absconded with her four boys telling them she decided to leave them. She tried to kill herself while Dad was working in the garden following this, as usual Dad was off in his own inner world and oblivious. Mum found her when she got home from work at 6 pm or so. Venus squared Pluto and Chiron in my father’s chart. And Venus relates to self value and money issues, Dad was trying to build a bulwark of financial security for all of us as well as a million dollar ’empire’ then my sister tried to compete and came unstuck. It was all just too too painful for words for me to experience and has made me so fearful of life and work and money. Not to mention intimacy. Now I have someone putting subtle ‘pressure’ on my while claiming via text “I am not going to force you to help me.” God its amazing how everything in life interconnects or maybe its just the way I see it.

I thought too of how the bi polar person is always seen as ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ but it was my sister in a so called ‘psychosis’ who rang my brother to tell him he was the devil ruled by money lust for putting my father through hell. Why is it that the truth tellers who called the naked emperor out get slam dunked as the fucking family scapegoats? Second child is not golden child and so they falter or fall. It really is sick and JUST PLAIN WRONG.

I remember reading somewhere a while ago that its so called ‘bi polar’ people who are ‘right on the money’ intuitively speaking. Its really really true. I think of my darling sister who lived out her years in a bed in a home for those with acquired brain injury being thwarted every time she wanted to spend money for being ‘manic’ or ‘grandiose’.. She just wanted to live and be alive and there was more than enough money there. Her sons only got a fucking paltry 10,000 out of a massive inheritance and it was left up to me to help them with my share when I die. I will do it before if and when I can but the whole thing makes me sick. I am not going to shut the fuck up about it. Last time I tried to bring it up I was in trouble for being ‘too intense, too angry and too emotional’ yeah THAT IS FUCKING RIGHT WELL GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH YOUR SLAM JUDGEMENTS, CONTROLLING NARCISSISTIC BULLIES!!!