Losing my compass : afternoon reflections

As a child it was a bit hard to know where to turn to. I think that confused child still lives inside of me, she was hungry for love, hungry to be seen but she did not know how to navigate from within herself. The loss of my Dad too meant a difficult bond with my Mum in many ways. I felt responsible for her and for Judy too my older sis and then when my other sister hit the skids there was a lot going on. I had come back home after two failed relationships and my inner child was still running the show unconsciously. That’s when I got my dog and chose not to work again and pursue therapy.

Sometimes I look back on this decision and feel it just perpetuated my isolation. And yet I did not know myself fully. I was still looking outside myself in some ways I guess. Therapy has helped to a point but since Mum died I got caught up in this text relationship and I have sent the person so much of my money. Each time it failed for what seemed like legitimate reasons but I am fully worn out with it now. I had to put the stops on and I am feeling resentful too as I feel he lured me in a great deal. That said I am not a powerless victim either. I chose to keep sending the money and he is not threatening me to break it off if I don’t send money either. And yet at times just before I get text from him my body spins wildly out of control. Add to that that today I lost my denture mid panic attack and cannot find it anywhere, I have spare, but its painful to wear and makes my teeth ache. I jut want an end to all of the pain really..

Jasper and I got out for some R and R at the lake and it was so gorgeous sitting there watching the reeds blow in the wind and listening to the hundreds of birds feasting on the grass on the island in the distance. I didnt really want to come back home. Nature is what gives me peace and while there I just thought of how much of myself I have lost in relationships in the past.

Karl turning up out of the blue yesterday also threw me for a spin as i remebered how he pushed me beyond my beyond my boundaries physically and talked me into buying his bike for 600 dollars because he was short on cash at the time. I know how much work I have still to do with boundaries and when I tuned into my inner child today she cried telling me she doesnt know how to take care of herself in relationships often. I realise she needs the adult me to show up and my default is just to stop all contact. Anyway I expressed to Scott honestly how I am feeling and he is more concerned with the hurt he has caused than anything else. So nothing has been lost. I know healthy boundaries are not built in a day or a week or even a year when we come out of dysfunction, relational trauma or neglect.I just have to keep reminding myself that as lost as I FEEL at times, I am not. I have come a long way and the journey is still far from over.