Too much to contain

Therapy was intense today..there is so much hidden emotion and other feelings I seem to have been keeping under wraps that I felt as though I would explode sharing several recent blog posts with Kat today.

The grief over my father is tinging everything at present. My sister and I shared yesterday how he internalised his emotions and also struggled with boundaries. The pressure of financial stress was a contributing factor to his stomach cancer we both feel and my brother was the one driving the pressure to build and keep expanding their business borrowing large sums of money off shore back in the early 1980s and losing a lot on a gamble.

So so sad that money becomes such a source of pain and in the end it was all too much for him. I’m sad today too to see how affected by it all I’ve been and how much I still blame myself. That said certain of my own choices have not been healthy at times.

I left therapy feeling like it was all just too much to contain today then someone I semi dated in February turned up out of the blue just after I got home and was busying myself tidying out the car so to stop my down ward inner spiral. Karl and I had a lovely connection but things fell apart for various reasons back in March and I thought as usual it was my fault but he said it was really because he wasnt in a good way at the time.

This morning in bed I prayed a lot. I also kept reminding myself that I am safe, worthy and loved…recognising how unsafe I so often feel around others and that if I dont fight I will be overpowered or drown. Is this about childhood trauma and fear or hyper sensitivity and empathy? My therapist and I am exploring this and have been for sometime.

I feel safe alone. Maybe cause I struggle with boundaries and am so open to other’s unconcious in some way. I express the emotions I sense but also fear if I express emotions genuinely others wont handle it well so I walk on eggshells before I feel safe. I long for connection and fear it too and when good nourishing affirming connections happen life seems whole complete and golden. When they dont the pain is intense and its what Im most familiar with so I hold back at times I long to reach out and be vulnerable and open hearted. Maybe I need to give myself a big pat on the back for recognising all of this rather than beat up on myself.